Waiting Out the Storm

A breath of fresh air can come when you least expect it.  When we were making the drive to the location of our family photo shoot, the text message I received from our photographer was enough to rattle me instantly:

There was a severe thunderstorm heading directly toward our shoot location and it was going be hitting precisely when we were supposed to be there.

Super duper.

The rain started pelting our van and the hail rattled on the windshield and I mourned the immanent loss of the photo showing a reasonably sane family and tried to get my head around the idea that I might not even be able to hide the Crazy of our world in front of a camera lens either.  It actually made sense that we would be shooting in a thunderstorm because it's very representative of the chaos of life with three boys sometimes.  You can go from sunshine and tulips to lightning bolts and hail in about four seconds flat.

We sat in our van inside a parking ramp for a while to try to wait out the rain and I kept the kids entertained by giving them snacks while they watched The Princess Bride on the DVD player.  (Isaiah makes me skip the part where Wesley fights the Rodents of Unusual Size in the Fire Swamp.)

Eventually we meandered up to the capitol building under the protection of our golf umbrella and got in a few sheltered shots under the safety of an overhang.  But before long, the clouds moved out and the rain started to dwindle.

And just like that....the sun came out once again and the water left covering the stone of the building made it almost look like it glistened.  The drops on the tulips seemed to make them sparkle just the tiniest bit.

I said a little prayer that the boys and my hair would behave and we started posing and smiling.

Friends, our photographer posted a single "sneak peek" image from our shoot on Facebook last night and I felt like a weight had been lifted.  Because even when the storm clouds roll in and the rain and thunder seems to take over everything, you can rest assured that there will come a moment when the sun returns and things start to look hopeful again.  It might take a while.  The waiting will seem frustrating, disheartening and pointless.

But waiting time is never wasted time.  (Thanks to She Reads Truth for that lesson.)

If we hadn't waited out the storm, we would have missed the sun gleaming on the granite.  When I saw this photo, it felt like I had been given a gift.  Like the Lord was saying to me, "Look daughter.  Just wait until the storm passes and I will bring to to a beautiful place."  Persevere.  Wait it out.  Stay hopeful.  And the time spent in the storm will most certainly come to an end.

Praying today for so many in Oklahoma for whom a devastating tornado was only the beginning of what may be the worst storm of their lives.  May this time of darkness be short and may those who have lost so much come quickly to a place of peace and grace, where the light begins to shine once more.

"In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart!  I have overcome the world."  (John 16:33)

"Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD." (Psalm 27:14)

P.S.  I will share more of the photos from our family photo shoot when I get them, but I was just too excited about this first image not to show you all!

Project Life Tuesday - Thomas' Baby Book (Part 5)

Welcome to Project Life Tuesday!

It's been a while since I've shared some pages from Thomas' baby book and since I'm a few weeks behind now on my regular Project Life album, I figured it was a good time to toss a couple up here.

Thomas is most certainly no longer a baby, but is now a full blown toddler.  That's why I'm glad Project Life has come to the rescue!  I went a totally different route for this project and I bought the DIGITAL version of the Baby Edition for Him when it was on sale for 20% off when it was first released.  Because I went this route, I have been able to tinker around with it here and there as I have found time.  It's been nice to be able to work on my album without having to bust out my huge storage tote full of Project Life supplies and clutter up the kitchen table with my gear.  All I need is my computer and a planning sheet!

If you're looking for inspiration on what others are doing with their Project Life, you can check out my board on Pinterest and be sure to link up on The Mom Creative!

Did you catch the previous posts about Thomas' baby book?

Ali Edwards' stamps really came in handy for this book.  :)

The seventh month ended up with a lot of photos because that little stinker was just so darn cute!!!

I got a lot of photos of Thomas with our dog and then a whole series more of him outside wearing his little sunglasses.  I love that I don't really have to pick and choose, but can include as many of these photos as I want.  I clustered them together in an attempt to present them as a series. 

And then we have this final page for this week:

Much more colorful! 

This arrow brush was perfect for highlighting the hemangioma on his arm and how much it grew darker.

 Seriously.  That face.  There's just something about that last baby. 

 

 

Zombies and Hail

You guys.

I promise at some point to do my best to entertain you with some witty and slightly off-color comments about what I did over the weekend.  At the moment, I am just trying to listen to the rain falling outside and breathe in the fresh smell wafting in through the windows and find some kind of calm there.

There was a small incident at work on Friday night and it was like I could literally feel the rubber band snap inside my brain.  Before I knew it, before I could control it, I had tears running down my cheeks in rivers.  Waves of shudders shook my shoulders and I struggled to catch my breath as I fought against the panic attack that was threatening to cripple me while I was still on the clock.  I stacked bread baskets, folded napkins, wiped counters, all in the name of keeping my hands and mind occupied. 

When I got home, I felt like a battered woman trying to hide her black eye.  The evidence of my pain was written all over my puffy red face and it took Evan all of four seconds before he wanted the details. 

I had swollen eyes when my alarm went off early on Saturday morning and despite my desperate need to go for a run before the boys got up, I was even more desperate to stay under the comfort of my covers because the prospect of having to climb out and face the day simply felt too daunting.  I had an old friend coming into town later to run a race and I knew I was going to need to have my smile on so I could give her a decent cheering section.

People dressed like this guy where stationed all over the 5K obstacle course, threatening to "infect" every runner as they passed by.

While it made for a pretty cool race, these zombies sure reminded me a lot of how I'm feeling.  I trudged back into work on Saturday, knowing full well that word of my little meltdown would have spread like wildfire.  I'm pretty sure zombies aren't afraid of much, but I think I am legitimately afraid of my boss because I cowered like a puppy when he approached me on Saturday night.  Without even meaning to, my eyes hit the carpet and I could feel my shoulders hunching toward my toes. 

I'm just not me lately.

And it's hard to try to get your brood ready to smile pretty for the camera so you can get a gorgeous shot of your flawless family when the Mama feels like a zombie, the oldest boy has a busted face, and dad insists on wearing a hat that reminds you of the umpire in A League of Their Own who, in the immortal words of Tom Hanks, looks "like a penis with a little hat on."  But we drove off anyway, in search of that perfect family photo where every kid is actually looking at the camera, nobody has a finger in their nose, and my hair isn't a frizzy ball o' crazy.

Then the storm hit.  As the rain pelted our minivan and I tried to keep from losing it as my husband asked, "Is that HAIL??" (and yes, it was most definitely hail) all the images of the portrait above my fireplace with the smiling kids and the blooming tulips disappeared. 

Oh, and don't even get me started about what this kind of weather means for my hair.

In the midst of all this mess, I unintentionally hurt someone's feelings because my zombie brain was too overwhelmed by the near nervous breakdown on Friday coupled with the stressfest that is Family Photo Day to remember to think outside my own self. 

But I find myself struggling to do that more and more lately.  I'm stretched so thin that it's very difficult to see past what's right in front of me, kind of like driving in a downpour like you see above.  I'm doing my best to remain sensitive to what's going on with those around me, but it's like my vision is impaired and my zombie brain is working at half speed. 

Except instead of craving brains, all I seem to want is to sleep for 18 hours straight and then be hooked up to a coffee IV all day.  In the meantime, I'm going to need to go buy some more under-eye concealer.

Up too late again,
Zombie Mom

I'm Worn.

I haven't participated in Five Minute Friday for a couple weeks.  Thomas has been in real mood today and has refused to stop crying all morning and has insisted on me holding him in my lap pretty much constantly.  It's made it a little tough to pay bills, register Isaiah for summer camp, and do all the other things I needed to complete on the computer today.  Quite frankly, writing on the blog was the last thing on my mind today.  But then he suddenly calmed down for five seconds and wandered off to seek a toy in his room.  I breathed a short sigh of momentary relief and decided to scan my blog roll real quickly to see if there was anything calling my name I could read in the four seconds he would be entertained. 

I saw the topic for 5 Minute Friday and my heart jumped into my throat.  I set the timer and went for it, resolving to write for the full 5 minutes, even if Thomas wailed through most of it.

He was quiet the entire time. 

Here are the rules as laid out by Lisa-Jo, aka "Gypsy Mama" -

Basically, you set a timer for five minutes and just WRITE.  No editing, no stopping to second-guess yourself, just a free flow of your thoughts hitting paper....keyboard....whatever.  She gives the topic and then you just GO.   Then you link back to Lisa-Jo and invite others to join in.

So this is me....taking the Five Minute Friday challenge.

Today's topic: Song


GO.

 
Get out of town.  I can hardly believe the prompt today is on SONG because I have been thinking about writing about this song for about a week, ever since the big announcement of my train bound for Crazytown.

Saturday night I came home from a really tough night at work.  It was the kind of night that left us all so bent out of shape that we sent someone on a run for shakes and malts.  Rough nights sometimes call for a cocktail, but horrible nights require a chocolate malt.  I stumbled into my bedroom after work and managed to hold my eyes open long enough to tell Evan that I had come to a startling realization.  In my most "this is so obvious and I can't believe it's just dawning on me voice" I proclaimed to my love:

"I've decided that I work way harder than you do."

In retrospect, I blame my prideful assertion on the exhaustion, but imagine my surprise when my darling just chuckled and agreed with me 100%.  "Totally," he said, "there's no doubt that you are the hardest worker in this family."

As much as I thought his acknowledgement would make me feel proud, it just reminded me yet again that I need to get my schedule and priorities (and my overblown ego) in order, but not in the expected way.  I need to push PAUSE for a little bit.  I need to turn the radio off and just be still for a bit.

I'm WORN.



"I've lost the will to fight, so Heaven come and flood my eyes."

This song by Tenth Avenue North moved me to tears as I drove to preschool the morning after realizing I needed to admit my anxiety and seek help for it.  It also provided me with a poignant reminder that, more than any other remedy, I need to find rest in the quiet presence of the Lord and reconnect with my Father.  And I intend to do exactly that. 

TIME'S UP.  

Avoiding the Awkward Family Photo - (Guest Post)

Last year we got some family photos taken by my college pal, Jenn Van Wyk.  It was March 18, 2012 and it was just over 80 degrees.  In Madison, Wisconsin.  Right next to Lake Mendota.  In March.

Talk about Heaven on Earth!  We actually had to stop at a shoe store on the drive to our shoot so we could buy sandals for the kids because clearly the socks and shoes we had originally planned on were not going to cut it with the shorts the boys were now wearing.  It was absolutely amazing.

In retrospect, I wish I would have put a little less thought into picking out our outfits for those photos.  Yes, you read that correctly.  Less thought.  Anyone who has known me for longer than five minutes knows I am a compulsive planner who tends to over-analyze pretty much everything.  I ended up choosing outfits for our photos that looked fine, but were a little too matchy-matchy.  I picked out different shades of blue for everyone and also incorporated different patterns, but I wish I would have thought outside the box a little more.

The previous year, Jenn shot some maternity photos for me and I had my two older boys in a few of the shots.  Here, I took some more freedom with the color palate of our clothes and I really loved the results.

Yellow, orange, brown, teal, and blue all make an appearance here, but the result was still cohesive and carefree.

So here I sit a few days out from our family photos for the year of 2013 and I still haven't picked out what we should wear.  I reached out to Jenn and she not only responded, but did me one better - A guest blog post!!

I'm going to turn the rest of this post over to Jenn and let her school us on how to prepare the outfits for your family photo shoot.

By Jenn Van Wyk of Jenn Van Wyk Photography

If there is one theme that runs through all of my photo sessions, the burning question everyone asks me, the one thing everyone wants to know is…

* Que dramatic music please *

What do I wear to our photo session? Dun, dun dunnnnn.

This question has always caught me off guard. I dig through my closet for way longer than I should in the morning, buy things on super clearance, don’t have any subscriptions to fashion magazines, and I’m lucky if I can dig out a pair of matching earrings. My friends and I have talked about submitting each other for “What Not To Wear” just so we could start over from scratch and get some fashion advice. Plus who wouldn’t want to meet Stacy and Clinton? But as I continue to grow as a photographer and I get asked this question again and again, I see the need for a little shift in how we think of dressing for family and engagement photography.

First off. It is not 1990 anymore. It is out of date to wear white shirts with blue jeans to your family session. Or any other kind of matching shirt with matching pants. It looks dorky. Trust me, I know. I am a dork myself. Dressing your family, or significant other like this creates is a flat, boring photo. Everyone looks the same. Plus, you might end up on AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com, and I want to spare you and I the hassle.

Source: awkwardfamilyphotos.com via Sarah on Pinterest

So, what is one to do? Forget matchy matchy. Instead, think coordinate. Pick colors that go well together. Think of it this way. If you decided to paint the walls in your living room red, you wouldn’t buy all red furniture, accessories, and coffee tables. You would buy accessories that coordinated. Dark woods, browns, oranges, and you might even get a little adventurous and throw in some pink. You get the picture. Do the same when choosing your outfits for your photo session. This will help build depth, character, and give your photos a little personality. Since I am a visual learner, I am going to go “shopping” online and put together some affordable (I chose to “shop” exclusively at Old Navy) and cute outfits for all sorts of different photo shoots. 

First up, an engagement session.

Right away I am breaking the “matchy matchy” rule! I decided on a warm color palette because I really liked the bold citrus colors of this sun dress. Since I wanted to keep our color scheme warm, I added in the brown shirt for our lucky groom-to-be. Add in a few cute accessories and wa-la! I chose a cardigan for the bride-to-be to add a little variation to her outfit. She can wear it buttoned or opened, have it on or off, or it would be cute off slug with one hand sassy over her shoulder. Plus, an open cardigan over a form fitting bottom piece can make the bride-to-be appear slimmer. Another thing I like about this combination is the variation in textures of the clothing. The dress is a nice soft linen, the cardigan a fine gauge sweater. The guy’s shirt is smooth cotton, combined with the rugged dark jeans. All of this creates visual interest in the photo. These bright colors are fun and flirty, and would be great for a summer or fall engagement session.

Next, let's visit an example of what to wear for a family photo session:

I again decided to go with a theme of warm colors. I started off with this cute top for mom in pink, and found a yellow shirt for dad. I opened up the color palette to some browns for the little guy, and found this cute little summery shirt. And good grief, I can not resist those adorable sun dresses for the little girls! So I chose this one in pink and white. I also liked the texture of the dress which will also create visual interest. Again, notice that everyone’s outfits coordinate and are not “matchy matchy”. Mom will look great with daughter, son with father, son and daughter, mom and dad, and so on and so forth. Have fun, use bold colors! These will pop in all of the photos and add some visual interest. I also threw in the hat for the little boy. Don’t be afraid to add some fun accessories to your outfits. Hats, scarfs, and even props like wagons and toys work great and will add a touch of personalization to your session.

Now as for the Arena Five family, we are headed to the Wisconsin State Capitol in spring time with the tulips in full bloom. Incorporating the tips above, I would also suggest coordinating your clothing with the red and yellow color of the tulips. Not match the colors per say, but make sure that what you are wearing will not clash with them. The Capitol also is neutral backdrop with little texture or interest, so I would wear clothes with a variety of textures and colors to standout. I would avoid wearing white, creme or grey tops with little texture or visual interest. As for the boys, spring for a few things that would be outside of the "everyday"; think about cute hats and perhaps a casual tie for those little guys who are willing to wear them. The Capitol also has a great lawn, so bring along a blanket (or borrow one of mine!) with a coordinating color and great texture. This will allow us lots of space to let your little buggers run around and be boys. I love capturing brothers and families for that matter outside of the traditional posed photography. This gives you the most genuine and authentic smiles of them all! I hope this helps in planning your photo session, and I would love to hear your tips and tricks for coordinating your family's clothing for a photo shoot!

Have questions for Jenn?  Feel free to leave a comment here or email her at jenn@jennvanwyk.com!

(Now, I'm off to dig through our closets to find the winners for our shoot.  I can't wait to show you the finished product!) 

What I Wore Wednesday - Teal Maxi Skirt

Oh my gracious heavens to Betsy jumpin' jehoosaphat.

It's finally warm enough to wear skirts.  Can I get a "Hallelujah!!!"

(Everyone who just arrived on my blog from California just decided I was a freak and high-tailed it outta here.  Everyone who is reading from the Midwest just hollered, "Amen sistah!!!")

So here's what happened.  While Evan was in China, my mother stayed with me quite a bit to watch the kids for me while I was at work.  Micah and I popped into TJ Maxx one day to find a little thank you gift for her and the strangest thing took place.

A teal maxi skirt literally jumped off the rack and attacked me, shrieking "Try me on!! I'm perfect!!!"

 Skirt - TJ Maxx, Teal top - Maurice's, Necklace - Lisa Leonard Designs, Shoes - Payless

And when a possessed skirt jumps in your path friends, you buy it.  Especially when it is marked down from $75 to $24.99.  Yup, you betcha.

And then you wear it with pretty much every solid colored top you can find in your wardrobe.

 White t shirt - Target, Necklace - Stitch Fix, Feet - God's handiwork

I seriously lived in this skirt for a solid week.  I washed it, dried it, and put it right back on.

 

Grey T Shirt - Old Navy, Wedge Sandals - Payless

Due to my terrible body position in the photo above, I look like I have a baby bump.  I am not, repeat, I am NOT pregnant.

Teal tank - Old Navy, Jacket - Target

Yup, the teal maxi skirt totally stole my heart that day.  And of course I found my mother a suitable gift.  Just ask her - the wire basket with a chicken on it plus the flavored olive oil and gardening gloves were a win.  But still, maxi skirt for the win.

Has anyone else struck wardrobe gold recently?  Have you ever had an inanimate object like a skirt leap off a rack at you and demand you purchase it?  Must just be me then.....

Linking up once again over at The Pleated Poppy for some amazing fashion inspiration!

A Busted Face and A Truvy Moment

For goodness sake, these kids are going to give me gray hair, crows feet, and an ulcer.  All in the same week.  After a Mother's Day that gave me a teeny little breath of rest, we jumped right back into a new week and within 48 hours, my husband dropped another Business Trip Bomb on me, Micah nearly got clipped by a car, and then Isaiah tripped and face-planted on the sidewalk.

He came in the house just as I was about ready to leave for work, screaming his head off and looking like this:

So I drove to work, leaving my bloody and road-rashed kid for Evan to deal with.  Later it dawned on my husband my oldest child was still going to look like he had been attacked with a potato peeler on Sunday.  The day we are getting our family photos taken.

Add in the fact that I am apparently suffering from a little thing called "Premenstrual Syndrome" (spoken in the voice of Truvy from Steel Magnolias) and as a result I had consumed far too many pieces of pizza, Teddy Grahams, and chocolate chip cookies at work and I skipped my usual Monday night workout at the gym to come home and eat popcorn while watching Castle with Evan.  

And I suddenly realized that writing this post while watching an old episode of Glee that showcases Kate Hudson's amazing abdominals was a huge mistake.  Yowza.

Me and my soft and plushy midsection attended a couple classes for leadership training at church today and the class tonight was called "Simplexity," taught by the marvelous Laura Sandretti.  When I met back up with Evan afterwards and he asked how it went I responded with:

"Well, it was a class about how to manage the chaos of life and seek God for peace when life gets crazy.  I was basically just trying not to cry for the last hour."  

He laughed out loud and then chided me a bit, telling me that I really should have taken a class that had some bearing on my life.

I can't really remember if I smacked him one, but if I didn't.....I should have.  I love that guy.

I love all my guys. 

Project Life Tuesday - Week 13

Welcome to Project Life Tuesday!  Every week I share photos of a layout I've been working on, either in my family's weekly book or my son's baby book. 

I started using the Project Life system in 2010, so this will be my fourth full year!   

I am not a "fancy scrapbooker."  There are so many people out there doing some very impressive things with their Project Life albums that involve a combination of digital skills, pretty embellishments, and other fancy-pants techniques.  I'm not one of those.  I keep it pretty simple so that I know I can keep up and avoid becoming overwhelmed.  To me, it's more important to keep the memories than it is to make them look like they came out of a magazine.  I'm totally fine with it if my layouts feature more iPhone photos than DSLR shots and Instagram is my friend.

I do like to have fun with it though.  :)

If you're looking for inspiration on what others are doing with their Project Life, you can check out my board on Pinterest and be sure to link up on The Mom Creative!

Week 13 - I combined the Jade kit with a couple elements from the digital Honey Kit and just a dash of Seafoam.  Sounds like a recipe.

For the tile card, I used a card from the Jade kit and added some letter stickers and a strip of washi tape.
 

I love how the collage in the bottom right corner turned out.  It really shows a lot of my favorite moments from a crazy cool playdate!  The grey grid 3x3 card is the only element from the Seafoam kit that I used in this particular week.

And jumping over to the right hand page:

On this page I used the old split a 4x6 photo in half across two spots trick and it worked out nicely!  I just had too many cute shots of Thomas with his crayons not to include them all!

And then there was this little moment.  Too cute not to document.

Thanks for stopping in today.  I hope you have a wonderful week!

Did anyone score an autographed Core Kit at Hobby Lobby this weekend?  If so....I'm super-jealous!
 

Your Love Makes Us Grow

Most mothers fantasize about sleeping in on Mother's Day.  Not me, no way.  I'm all about hearing the thump thump thump of my children's thunder-feet running down the hallway a solid ten minutes early.  Sleeping in is for losers.  Wimps.  Who needs it?  I'll sleep in on Monday.  Oh wait, that was today.  That so didn't happen.

But, bless their little hearts, those boys bounded into my bedroom and proudly announced, "Happy Mother's Day Mommy!!!" to my still decaffeinated self.

Even though it was really, really early which meant I was still in my pajamas and already feeling the desperate need to put a bra on, I was more than happy to wrap those boys up in my arms and give them a ridiculous number of kisses on their sweet cheeks.

And then they gave me my present and I melted into a puddle of goo on the bathroom floor.

(And who the heck is going to clean up that mess, I would like to know.  No cleaning for this gal on Mother's Day, thank you very much.)

Right?

Two things here:
1.  My heart exploded immediately and I was crying at the sheer awesomeness of this Mother's Day gift.
2.  The hubs gets major points for coming up with this idea all on his own without the help of Pinterest, which is something I would never have been able to do!

He headed to Michael's after work and grabbed some white card stock, craft paint, and a 8.5 x 11 frame.  While I was at work, he enlisted the help of our little minions in creating this masterpiece.  I love the hand prints, the names and ages that were painted underneath them, and then the sentiments written in the bottom corner.  It's just perfect and I will likely end up designing my entire master bedroom around it.

Because I love the reminder that these crazy kids are such a huge part of my world.  In between the diaper changes, the snotty noses that get wiped all over my couch cushions, the pushing and shoving, the temper tantrums, and the yogurt dried in hair.....

there are so many moments filled with gleeful laughter, sincere hugs, tender snuggles, and darling smiles.  They love me.  And I love them.  Fiercely.

And later I had to scrub Micah's face because he had sprayed himself with Pledge.

Just another day on Planet Motherhood.

Happy belated Mother's Day to you all.  I hope your special day was as blessed as can be.

The Crazy Came Calling....Again.

In my line of work, I say the words "How are you?" a couple hundred times a week.  Every time I approach a table, the banter usually starts off with the same generic greeting followed by a short inquiry into the well-being of my patrons.  More often than not, they are just fine thank you and then they respond in the polite way by inquiring about my status as well.  My response is usually some form of "Just fine, thank you!" before we transition into which glass of wine I can bring them, what beers I have on tap, or what kind of pasta the special for tonight is served with.

Somewhere in between the water glasses and the side salad comes the lie.  I am not just fine.  Far from it, in fact. 

Without my trusty concealer stick and the constant flow of coffee, you would see how tired I really am.
Without my Instagram account showing my smiling face, you would see how frustrated I am.
Without the filter in my brain, I would be blowing up my Twitter feed with ranting and raving.
And, if I'm being really honest, if you were to peek in my kitchen window at certain times in the day when I think nobody is watching....you would see how angry I am and how burned out I have become.


But let's back up.

Years ago, before my first son was born, I was being treated for depression.  I had crazy mood swings, thoughts of harming myself and an inability to regulate my emotions. The happy pills helped so much and then when I got preggers, I stopped taking them because I didn’t want them going into my baby’s body. Sure, I was made aware that there were options that were safe for pregnancy, but I didn’t want to risk it. (Have I mentioned that I'm a control freak who likes to pretend she knows better than the experts?  Just checking.)

Fast forward a few years and now I have three children and I have gone un-medicated for nearly six years. I figured that meant I had “cured” myself, right? Strike up the band and line up the celebratory parade because I beat my depression all on my own! Go me!!!

Yeah, not so much.  This is so me, you guys.  No matter what the situation, I seem to think that I can solve it all on my own and with my own strength.  I convince myself that if I just work harder, try harder, pray harder, I can beat it.  You'd think I would have learned by now.

Something has been wrong with me for several months now and something has been REALLY wrong with me for the last couple weeks.  While Evan was gone in China, I missed him for sure, but I also really had little desire to really talk to him.  Add in the fact that while he was going about his life on the other side of the planet, someone blew up the Boston marathon, there was a gun scare near my kid’s school and then Isaiah was almost hit by a car and it became like the Perfect Storm to send my anxiety spiraling off to Crazytown.

My inability to handle my anxiety increased my anxiety. And then my increased anxiety led me to burst into tears in the middle of Target because I couldn’t find a new travel coffee mug that would fit in the cupholder of my minivan. And without my coffee mug, I couldn’t bring my coffee with me to preschool drop-off and without the coffee I ended up yelling and because I ended up yelling, I felt guilt and (you guessed it) MORE ANXIETY.  I flipped out and screamed over Micah needing a Kleenex.  When the kids were home with a babysitter and she didn't answer the house phone when Evan called several times, I assumed it was because there had been carbon monoxide poisoning and they were all dead.

No joke.  That was the first thought in my head.

It’s exhausting.  Evan kept asking me what was wrong and I insisted it was nothing, that I was just fine thank you very much! 

And thanks to this post that hit my Bloglovin’ at the exact perfect time, I can finally identify that my problem is not that I am too weak to get a handle on my crazy, but that my depression has merely been dormant and is now manifesting itself in a different way.  I read about Beth's depression returning in a way she didn't recognize and it was like I was reading my own story.  I read it over and over, tears welling in my eyes as I realized what was really happening. 

Unlike many years ago when it was the depression symptoms that led me to seek help, it's the ANXIETY that has overwhelmed me this time around.  When my husband, out of kindness and love, suggested that I just pick a weekend and get away for a while to recharge and relax, my brain absolutely exploded inside my head and I could feel my heart rate jump as I immediately came up with about 253, 234 reasons that was a terrible idea that I could never actually do because getting off work would be impossible and what if something happened to me while I was gone and I didn't know anyone or even worse what if something happened to the kids while I was gone or what if they got into a car accident and Evan wouldn't be able to call me or if it was really bad and they had to go to the emergency room but Mommy wasn't there so they didn't think I loved them and let's not even talk about how we don't really have it in the budget right now for me to just up and leave and gas prices are high and ......

Yeah.  That.

I'm not SAD.  I'm not over here wallowing in despair because, and let me be very clear here, I absolutely LOVE MY LIFE.  I am blessed beyond belief and everywhere I look, I see the grace of God surrounding me. 

When I shared my epiphany with Evan, his response spoke volumes.  He got home from a really late night at work and I was super-excited to welcome him home with a shout of, "Guess what honey!  I know what's wrong with me!"

"Um....ok."

"I'm suffering from an anxiety disorder!  It's really the same depression I was fighting back before Isaiah was born, but now it's back and it's affecting me in a different way.  The reason I didn't see it for what it was is because my life is so much different now and I thought it was gone.  This whole time I just thought it was something I was doing WRONG!  But, it's not!"

And then my man in his wisdom observed,

"The devil can always find a new way to come after you, honey.  Last time he came down Main Street, but this time he found a back alley so he could sneak up on you while you were looking elsewhere."

Boom.

I'm burned out and it's ok for me to admit it now because I'm not just going to ignore it anymore.  I'm doing something about it.  I'm currently making plans for the weekend away to recharge and refocus.  I've started doing some research into finding a new doctor in our new city so I can talk to her about getting on medication.  And more than anything, I am embracing the awareness this whole thing brings and fixing my eyes on what the Lord is trying to teach me in this moment.

At my weakest is right where he needs me to be right now.  Friends, I've been getting too big for my britches.  I'm not trying to say that God is punishing me for my pride by afflicting me with anxiety.  What I am saying is that my busted, sinful, earthly body doesn't work quite right.  God desires for me to "not be anxious about anything." (Philippians 4:6)  That's his heart for me.  It's because of sin and the chaos it creates that my mind has this overwhelming tendency to be very anxious about pretty much EVERYTHING.  The difference I can take comfort in is that now I can own it and see how God can use this for His glory.  Instead of feeling an overwhelming sense of guilt and failure that I haven't been able to pull off Philippians 4 (go figure: my power was insufficient.  Duh, Sarah), I can now turn to 2 Corinthians 12:9 in a whole new way:

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

I wish I could underline or highlight the most powerful portions of that verse, but I found myself wanting to emphasize the entire thing.

His grace.  Not mine.  It is sufficient and will sustain me.
His power. Not mine.  Is it only through my weakness and failure that the power of Christ can shine through.  It's not about me.  It's not about my power, but His. 

My whole attitude about this shifts in an instant.

I go from feeling like this:

to feeling like this:

The anxiety is powerful, but the HOPE that I find in Him is stronger.

The Boogers

Most likely, I will never learn to windsurf, skateboard, knit, or sew on a button. 

Sometimes there are things that are just too hard to learn or even just too ridiculous to even use in everyday life so they are really a waste of time to figure out.  I mean, is knowing how to iron a dress shirt really that essential to life?  Ok, so it's handy to be sure, but if need be I could always just take the shirt to the dry cleaners and they handle that kind of thing.  Right?

All this to say that my boy has dug in his heels and refuses to learn a skill that I have deemed to be required in life.

He can not, will not, no way no how....blow his nose.

Micah will actually wake up in the middle of the night and cry out for one of us to come, bellowing with the agony of "the boogers."  We will fetch him a Kleenex and wipe the snot, only to be awoken again an hour later because he hasn't really solved the problem.

He can sniff the boogers in just fine.

But he cannot get his head around the concept of actually blowing the snot out into the Kleenex.

How does one teach this?  I've tried demonstrating, explaining, bribing, and all the other tricks in the book.  The kid just won't get it!  I can't go through another night of waking up at 1:30 am because of a booger problem.

Help?

WIWW - Stitch Fix Review #3 and GIVEAWAY!!

What's better than a Stitch Fix Review?  How about a Stitch Fix Review combined with a giveaway with a chance for you to win your very own FREE Fix?!

Yup, I thought you'd be excited.

But first things first.  This was my third time opening my door to find a box full o' goodies hand-picked for me by a personal stylist and it was hands-down, no-question the most fun Fix I have had to date.  There may have actually been a little "Squeeee!!!" sound when I opened the box.  No lie.

(P.S.  If you're reading this and wondering what the heck this whole Stitch Fix thing is that I'm talking about, I invite you to check out my previous reviews for the more detailed run-down.)

Super Quick Recap of Stitch Fix:

• Sign up & Get on the Waiting List (this usually moves pretty quickly)
• Fill out your detailed Style Profile
• Schedule your first "Fix"
• Receive a box full of items hand-picked by a personal stylist, just for you, based on your profile
• Try everything on, keep what you want, send back what you don't.

After my first two Fixes, I decided to try out a new stylist.  It wasn't that my previous one wasn't doing a good job, but I just was LOVING what a certain one was choosing for one of my favorite bloggers, so I wanted to see what she would send my way.

So, for this Fix I made three requests:
1.  New stylist (requested her by name)
2.  Great tops for spring in saturated hues of blue, green, or purple
3.  A semi-casual blazer that could be worn with jeans or dress pants

Friends, they came through on every single one of these requests.  Ready to see the goods?

First up was this pretty teal top. It totally had me wishing I had a white skirt to style it with like on the card, but I did have a pair of polka dot jeans just like they suggested!

Unfortunately, this top was too big on me.  Loved the color and loved the concept of the style, but I probably would have needed to go down a size to make this one work.  As you can see by the side shot, it was even too bit in the arm area for me and it looked a little too much like I was preggers.  Which I am not.  For sure.

How pretty is this top??!!  When I saw the pretty blue color and the darling print I was totally smitten.  And look how sweet it is paired with the white skinnies on the style card!  Adorable.

Bummertown.  Just like with the first top, size most definitely was a problem.  As cute as it was, this top ended up being just a little too voluminous for my frame and the see-through feature of it was a bit too much for me. I desperately wanted this one to work, but it just didn't.  Sad face.

Remember how I specifically requested saturated blues?  This one was right on the money.  I love this color so much and it really looks good with my skin tone.  Please ignore my yucky looking nail and cuticle on my thumb there.

Want to know the really cool thing about this top?  My stylist, Jennifer, chose it specifically because it was very similar to a top I had pinned on my Stitch Fix Pinterest board.  They look at these things, you guys.  They WANT you to love what they choose for you.  Awesome. 

This one was oh-so-close to being a keeper.  The color was perfect, the fabric was soft and comfy, but the waistband was just a teeny bit too tight around one of my trouble areas and the excess fabric on the arms was just a bit too much.  I ended up looking like I had teeny little wings.  But it was a close one.

I switched my preferences again for this Fix so that I would get one accessory in my box.  I'm so glad I did because this necklace was stellar.  Heavy, unique, and that color red was killer.  Loved it.

Up last was the semi-casual blazer I requested.  How cute is this??!!  The gray, the stripes, the terry fabric.  It was a bulls-eye as far as style for what I had in mind.

I tried it with my trusty Hudson jeans and a pair of my dress pants and it looks pretty good at first glance.  The problem wasn't in the blazer....it was in my bra.

See how much that little button is straining to stay closed?  Yeah, turns out The Girls were pushing that poor button to its limit.  While I was trying to snap these photos, it popped open several times.  Apparently my bosom was just too much for this blazer to handle.  I was so, so sad because I really WANTED to love this blazer!

All in all, this was my favorite Fix so far.  They responded to my requests and gave me pieces that I loved, but the fit was just a hair off, so I'm confident that my next box will be spot on.  What did I end up keeping?

The necklace!!

(No, you haven't seen that chevron skirt before.  Yes, I will blog about it next week.)

Ready to get in on the action?  Jazzed up about having a personal stylist select items for you to try on in your own home? Want to try out Stitch Fix for yourself - RISK FREE??  Let's do this thing.

***GIVEAWAY IS NOW CLOSED***

GIVEAWAY!!! 

I'm giving away a $20 Gift Card to Stitch Fix to one lucky Arena Five reader!  Essentially, this is the styling fee for one Fix, so you are able to try out Stitch Fix for yourself at no cost to you whatsoever! 

(Translation:  If you end up sending back every single item in your fix, you aren't out a cent.  Score.  Obviously, if you find stuff that you want to keep, that's up to you!)

• PRIZE - A $20 gift card to Stitch Fix
• Mandatory Entry - Click HERE to sign up and fill out your Style Profile.  There is NO COST to do this, mind you!  (The $20 styling fee is not charged until your first Fix is shipped.)  Then come back here and LEAVE A COMMENT about how you would describe your style.  Which collection really spoke your language?  Are you a Romantic gal or is Bohemian Chic more your thing?  Does Classic call your name or are you into the Preppy look?  Or maybe you're a yoga pants and sweatshirt gal who is looking to try out some real clothes for a change?  You go, sister!!!
• To Earn Additional Entries - Leave an additional comment for each of the following that you do:

1.  "Like" Arena Five on Facebook

2.  Tweet this giveaway!  Just copy, paste and tweet!  I just entered to win a free @stitchfix box from @slkooiman at Arena Five. Go enter to win your Fix! http://tinyurl.com/cxcj24e
Or, if you don't have Twitter, share this giveaway on Facebook and that totally counts.
3.  Follow Arena Five on Bloglovin' or subscribe to the email feed (both available on the right sidebar).

•  PRIZE AVAILABILITY -  Anyone with a valid email address is eligible to win!  The gift card will be sent via email, so be sure to include one when you enter so I know how to contact you and will be able to send you the prize!
• GIVEAWAY CLOSES - Wednesday, May 15th.  Spread the word, folks!

WINNER:

True Random Number Generator Min: Max: Result: 14 Powered by RANDOM.ORG

 

That means our winner is Comment #14: 

cornellgj May 9, 2013 at 12:27 AM

And I'm a new follower! :)

Congrats cornellgi!  I've replied to your comment on this post to notify you of winning, but you didn't provide an email address! I need a valid email address from you within 48 hours for you to claim your prize!!

 

(Disclosure Info - I have used a referral link in this post and the giveaway, so if you do sign up and start your own Stitch Fix profile, I do receive a referral credit to my account when you get your first Fix.  Just thought you should know.)

Linking up once again over at The Pleated Poppy for some amazing fashion inspiration!