Tuesday, August 10, 2010


Lord, I feel lost.  Day after day, I hear reminders that I am "too old" for my age and on days like today when my rheumatoid arthritis forces me to stay on the couch for most of the day, I feel it.  I have been irritable and short with Evan.  I feel this nagging pressure to do more, to be more, but I continue to come up short.  You called me to be a mother, but I consistently feel like I fail.  You called me to be a teacher, yet I have no students.  Instead, I literally wear the soles from my shoes waiting on tables.  Is this still your plan?  Why do I feel so frustrated, inadequate, and useless?

Help me, Lord.  I'm stuck in a vicious cycle of being Martha instead of Mary.  I am hung up on what others think of me and my self-worth seems to be hinged upon it.  I crave the company of others, yet I feel empty and alone.  I doubt I'm making sense even now.  How ironic that I write this for the world to see.   

I'm grateful to have my job, especially when there are so many who are struggling without one.  Part of what keeps me going back day after day is that I feel like I have friends there.  Now, my closest friend is leaving.  Just quitting and moving on to a better career, but gone just the same.  I'm happy for her, yet I selfishly want her to stay because I am terrified of feeling alone.  Even worse, I feel somewhat resentful that she is moving on and I am still there.  Stuck.  Is this still your plan, Lord? 

My hope is in you.  I rest on the promises you have made and seek you out for comfort.  Calm my anxious mind and help appease my worrying heart.  Help me to trust that you are there beside me and will never forsake me.  Cool my sharp tongue and guide my thoughts toward more positive things. 

Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Philippians 4: 6, 7 - "Be anxious about nothing; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passes all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."

1 Peter 5:7 - "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."


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