Monday, May 2, 2011

Tears for my Daughter, Smiles for my Son

It's taken me a few days to get around to writing this because I've needed that time to get my head around what has happened.  In addition to the days of emotional turbulence, I've also had to work through the three performances of the play I directed, so things have been a little crazy.  Thanks for being patient with me.

So, I had my big 20 week ultrasound on Friday.  As you may recall, we weren't sure at first whether or not we were going to find out the gender of this baby or wait to be surprised.  In the end, we decided to go ahead and find out.  We made this decision mostly because I know how crazy my emotions can be in the postpartum state and I didn't want to have to adjust to whatever kind of baby came out in that already stressful time.  I wanted 20 weeks to be able to prepare myself and "gird my loins," so to speak.

Allow me to introduce you to my third child:

Look at that sweet face, all nestled in and snug as a bug in a rug.  Amazing, huh? 

Of course, what we were most interested in (and what you're waiting for me to reveal) is the gender.  This baby left no doubt; we are having BOY #3.

I want you to know that I smiled and kept my cool the whole time the doctor finished up the ultrasound.  As soon as he left the room, I burst into hysterical tears.  I sobbed, my body shaking in convulsions.  At the time, I couldn't really explain why I was so upset.  I calmed myself down enough to walk through the waiting room, but I started up again as soon as I got in the car.  Evan and I drove to the restaurant where I work to have lunch together and I had tears streaming down my face the whole time.  Even after I got home after lunch, I couldn't stop the tears.  My eyes burned with their sting.  I went to opening night of my play and managed to hold it together, but started crying again as soon as I got home.

Now, I know that someday my third son might read this and think that his mother was simply devastated at the news he was a boy.  He'll think I was so disappointed that I couldn't stop crying for an entire day.  My darling boy, I want you to know right now that those tears I shed on that day were not because you were not what I wanted.  You are precious to me and I am so excited that you are a boy.  You complete the "Three Musketeers" that we've started with your older brothers.  You are perfect.

Those tears I couldn't control were not for you, son.  They were for the sister that you will never have.  In an instant, all my hopes of having a daughter were gone.  Never will I shop for Easter dresses, throw a princess party, or attend her ballet recital.  I will never get to help her pick out a prom dress (and fight with her over how much it costs), go wedding dress shopping, and watch her walk down the aisle.  I will never get to be my baby girl's biggest cheerleader when she becomes a mama of her own.  My tears flowed freely for the daughter I will never have.  I miss her without ever even having her.

Now I have had a few days to adjust, reflect, and understand what is going to happen.  I'm going to send the small pile of pink clothes I bought to a girlfriend who is expecting her first child (a baby girl) any day now and I am going to get ready to welcome my third boy into this world.  His brothers are over-the-moon excited and so am I.  From here on out, it's nothing but smiles for my son. 

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