Wednesday, September 14, 2011

When Nothing Fits

There's a serious case of droopy drawers in our house.  A certain someone has been deeply afflicted by this syndrome that leads to the appearance of a saggy bottom and a frequent need to hitch up one's pants.  Strangely, this poor soul has at the same time been stricken with a case of Bulge Belly.  Despite dropping about 30 pounds to get down to a size 12 before getting pregnant, our patient recently found herself in front of the mirror, struggling in vain to cram herself into size 16 jeans. 

A seriously frustrating couple of ailments to have, I assure you.

I can't wear any regular clothes because my 2 week postpartum body just isn't quite ready to make that leap.  I'm too plump and pudgy everywhere to even squeeze into my old "fat jeans" and most of my regular shirts do nothing but accentuate my "I just had a baby" pooch.  I've tried to wear my SPANX, but even those are no help since I can't seem to roll them onto my over-stuffed sausage of a midsection.

And then there's the maternity clothes.  As of the moment, these are the only clothes I can still wear since the stretchy panel and generous cut in the belly give me the room I need, but I end up looking incredibly sloppy since there is no longer any belly to keep things up.  I find myself yanking on my pants about every five minutes just to keep them from slipping down so low that I'm showing off my granny panties to the world. 

Which brings me to another issue.  Not even my undies fit.  And don't even get me started on the bra situation.  When I was nursing Micah, I was still hanging on to a lot of my weight from Isaiah and I was....well....a chunker.  The only nursing bras I found in my drawer were a size 40DD!  I was wearing a 36D when I got pregnant with Thomas.  I realize the girls get a bit bigger while nursing, but Oh Mylanta!  Long story short, I simply couldn't wear those enormous boulder holders, so I've been settling for these crazy lightweight ones that work, but I make me feel like I could spill out at any moment.

Why the random whiny rant?  I mean, who really cares if I'm wearing a garbage bag 24/7.  I am pretty much a stay at home mommy right now so the only victims of my fashion crimes would be my children and any poor soul I encounter at the grocery store or, if I decide to get really fancy, at Target.

The problem is that I have a WEDDING to attend in less than two weeks!  I can't exactly wear saggy bottom maternity jeans and a boob milk stained nursing top (you know, the only one I own) to a pretty fancy wedding where my husband's entire family will be in attendance!  So, in a matter of a few days, I need to find something that fits all these criteria:
  • Actually looks halfway decent on my transitional postpartum body
  • Is conducive to nursing a newborn.
  • Looks "fancy" enough for a wedding.
  • Isn't too expensive.
  • Goes with shoes I already own.
It's gonna take a miracle, folks.

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