Thursday, May 24, 2012

Blog Your Heart - May

Like many of my readers, I have a collection of blogs that I use Google Reader to keep up with on a regular basis.  I scanned the list of new posts that had popped up today and the post from Stephanie on Just me My Soldier and our 4 little chicks was an answer to prayer.  See, Evan and I had some time to sit out on our back porch last night and really talk.  You know, the kind of talking when there are no other distractions and you actually listen to what the other person is saying.  We discussed a lot of the things that have been weighing heavily on my heart, but I went to bed still feeling unsettled. 

This idea of "Blog Your Heart" is just what I need!  Here's how Stephanie describes it on her blog:

Here is the idea behind BYH:
1.Blog whatever is on your heart. It can be serious,silly,angry,happy,blunt,ridiculous. It can be ANYTHING but it has to be authentic (yes,there's that dang buzz word...but to be fair I've been a proponent of authenticity for a long time). The post can be long or short, doesn't matter.

2.No judging. No snarky comments, no making fun, no passive aggressive digs. If you are going to read the blogs linked in the comments, don't be mean.

So I'm giving this a whirl today.  I'm not aiming for eloquent prose or anything.  It's more about just getting it out there.

1.  I've been self-sabotaging my weight loss.  I've allowed the negative self-talk that has plagued me for so long to weasel its way back into my world.  For a while there, I actually started to believe it when people were telling me how good I look, how I'm doing an amazing job at losing weight, how I've become an inspiration to them.  And then the Enemy got right back to his old tricks and I fell for them....hook, line, and sinker. 

People expect you to be better than this.
If you don't keep it up and lose weight every week, you'll be a failure.
You still have a long way to go, you know. 
Even after all the weight you've lost, you are STILL FAT. 

I confess I've been weighing myself every day, sometimes multiple times a day.  I've allowed myself to become a slave to the scale, to use it as as the yard stick by which I measure my worth.  If I gained .8 pounds since breakfast, I skip lunch.  I'm not proud of it, but it is true.  Instead of celebrating success and praising God for helping me get healthy, I have pushed the self destruct button.  I need to turn this around and FAST.

2.  Evan is going to China next month and he wants to make a big move to make the house sell FAST....right before he leaves.  So basically, it will be up to me to keep the house in showing condition while living with all three kids....all by myself.  I know I said I was going to try to be more positive about his trips to China, but this is making it difficult.  I can already feel the weight of the stress pushing down on me.  On the other hand, if it means getting the house sold, it's what we need to do.

3.  I am absolutely, 100%, head over heels in love with that little 8 month old scooting around my house right now.  I cannot even begin to describe how much he makes my heart leap when he giggles and smiles and chatters at me with his "Mamamama" baby speak.  It's still a little hard to accept that he's my last baby, but I'm becoming more and more at peace with it as time goes on.  That being said, I really really hate it when people assume that means there is a vasectomy in our future and then ask me when we're going to do it.  TMI, anyone???

4.  Even though this is supposed to be a raw, authentic representation of what it on our heart, I still cannot bring myself to type out the words of what is really bothering me at the soul level right now.  Why?  Because the person it concerns reads this blog and so does the person who is causing the turmoil right now.  Without naming names, pointing fingers, or anything else that could get me into hot water, I will say this.  You know who you are.  I know what you're trying to do to my family.  Stop it.  Stop it NOW. 

5.  I'm freaking out a little bit with summer approaching.  So many moms out there have their kids in T-ball, dance classes, swimming lessons, soccer, and countless other activities.  Heck, Pinterest is covered with these great ideas for summer checklists painted in bright colors on a canvas that you check off as you hike in the mountains, run a lemonade stand, go horseback riding, and swim with the dolphins.  I feel so inadequate.  I have NOTHING on our schedule.  No organized sport, no vacation, no encounter with an aquatic mammal.  Instead, we're trying to do things like survive Daddy's trip to China, sell our house, find a new house, move to said new house, and survive Mommy's jury duty in July.  Some summer, huh?  I feel like I'm depriving my kids of the incredible childhood that all their friends seem to get to have, but we just don't have the money to do all the "stuff" and be involved in all the "things" and we certainly cannot take a week long vacation to some beach resort, Hawaii, or Disney World right now.  They'll just have to settle for watching Cars 2 for the millionth time, blowing bubbles that smell like GAIN dish soap, and running foot races around the house.

6.  I started waking up an hour before the boys do just so I can pull myself together, get dressed in real clothes, enjoy my coffee and get ready for the day.  I was really loving having the time to charge up, actually read the Word, and get centered before the kids woke up.  Somehow, somebody told them what I was trying to do and they have been up and at 'em and interfering with Mom Time almost every single morning since I started rising early.  Not impressed.

7.  Evan and I really like watching Dexter after the kids go to bed.  Thank you, Netflix!  I'm dying for Season 4 True Blood to finally show up there so we can get caught up on that too.

Ok....I feel a little better.  If that came across as whiny, I apologize.  I'll try to get back to your regularly scheduled programming very soon.  :)

If you are reading today, please leave a comment to say hi. This was a tought post to write and it makes me feel better if I know you can identify.  Also, give me some feedback about whether you think this should be a recurring topic every month.

Linking up with Stephanie for Blog Your Heart.

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