Thursday, February 7, 2013

Like Death and Taxes

Life is so incredibly uncertain, isn't it?  We wake up in the morning not knowing if what kind of crazy is going to be thrown at us before our head returns to the pillow.  In the world of a parent, the ante is upped just a bit on this, wouldn't you agree?  I don't know about you, but there are mornings when I hear the footsteps coming down the hallway and I pretend I don't hear them just because part of me is fearful about what is going to come out of that little boy's mouth.  Let's face it.  It could just as easily be something along the lines of "Mommy I poop in my shoes" as "Good morning!"

Be that as it may, I would make the argument that are certain things that you can depend on.  These are the events that I can all but guarantee will happen to you when your cherubs are little.  Take it to the bank, friends.

1.  Someone will need to take a poop at the precise moment you are trying to load everyone into the car and you're already running 5 minutes late. 

2.  The time will come when you are out in public and your child absolutely destroys a diaper and you will evacuate to a restroom as quick as possible...only to realize you forgot to restock the diapers in the bag and you don't have a single one.

3.  Your furniture will become a jungle gym.

4.  Routine tasks like grocery shopping, getting an oil change, going out to dinner, and taking a shower suddenly take hours of advance planning.

5.  You can recite the birth weight and the exact time of birth of every single one of your children, but you have to take a minute to do the math in your head to remember how old you are.

6.  Sending your children in to brush their teeth will result in the toilet overflowing. 

7.  When you accidentally fart in public and you think you've dodged the bullet, your child will rat you out in their Playground Voice right when a very attractive member of the opposite sex is within earshot.  (Not that I would know this from personal experience.  And for the record, I would NEVER try to immediately blame it on the kid.  That would be awful.  Ahem.)

8.  You will leave an extra big tip for your server at Applebee's because your child has left such a horrific mess that it resembles a crime scene from CSI.  

9.  At some point, you will have to make good on that threat to "Turn this car around!"  Gotta keep 'em honest, you know.

10.  You will have to perform corrective "surgery" of some sort after a traumatic accident leaves a beloved toy with a severed limb, head, or other such detached body part.

Of course, when the day finally comes to a close and you collapse your exhausted self into bed and remember their smiling faces and sweet voices, you can rest easy.  Despite the mayhem, you've done the best you could and your kids know it.  Whew! 

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