Monday, June 24, 2013

The Car Ferry Detour (Mommy Vacation Part 1)

On Saturday, June 8th my husband loaded my suitcase into the trunk of our car and sent me on my way, shooing me out the door for a four day solo vacation intended to give me a much needed break from.....well, everything.  I kissed the babes goodbye, got behind the wheel, and saw this:

Then I had to go back inside to give Evan a big kiss and then re-do my eye makeup because I was crying all over the place.

First on the list was a stop at my salon for an eyebrow wax because I was starting to look a little shaggy and I wasn't about to cross state lines without streamlined brows.

Oh, and I also used the Wifi at the salon to download Bossypants at the last minute so I would have a book to listen to on the drive.  I only went with that one because I had completely forgotten to take my time choosing a book from the many wonderful suggestions from my friends on Facebook and so I just hopped on the iTunes best sellers list and picked the first one I saw that I thought I might like that didn't cost a fortune.

In hindsight, maybe I should have gone with a less humorous book so I wouldn't have been as distracted. 

See, I got lost.

Why yes, I was using the GPS feature on my iPhone.  Thanks for asking.  In fact, I sat in the salon parking lot and entered the address of my hotel in Grand Rapids and chose the route highlighted in blue that you see above, the one that goes past Chicago and around Lake Michigan.

Or so I thought.

I didn't catch on that I had done something wrong until I found myself taking these strange exits per my GPS lady's request, but I didn't think much of it.  It was only when I saw the sign that read "CAR FERRY" that I stopped chuckling at Tina Fey's account of getting her first period that I pulled over and cursed my own stupidity.  I reconfigured my GPS, got back on the road, and called Evan to lament my own idiocy.

That's when I realized I had to pee.  But I had already lost a solid 40 minutes thanks to my stupid car ferry detour (and my Venti Skinny Mocha) so I'll be darned if I was going to stop now.

Four hours later, I was at a standstill.  Stuck in construction traffic a mere 20 miles outside Grand Rapids, I wondered if it was possible to actually die from a spontaneous bladder explosion.  Horrified at the possibility, I turned off Bossypants.  Best not to take any chances of the headline in the newspaper reading "Navigationally Challenged Wisconsin Woman Dies from Laughter-Induced Bladder Explosion."

By the grace of God, traffic started moving and I found a rest stop and was able to pull over for a potty break.  Remember that scene in A League of Their Own?  

Yeah.  That.

While I was trying to buy a Diet Dr. Pepper from the vending machine so I could start the vicious cycle all over again, my cousin called and asked me where I was.

"I have no idea."

Thus ends Part One in the Mommy Vacation saga.  Stay tuned for further installments where I recount such adventures as The Unimpressive Toilet Embarrassment, The Mysterious Missing Hour, and Behavior Unbecoming the Governor's Suite.  Oh yeah, it's going to be epic.  

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