Thursday, March 20, 2014

Maybe This is Why I Need Therapy

My therapist does a killer Tina Fey impression.

Oh yeah, I'm seeing a therapist now.  Try to focus on what's important in the situation though and stay with me.

What makes it so wonderful is that I'm not entirely sure if she is trying to be Fey-esque on purpose or if it is purely coincidental.  The face, the glasses, the voice - all there.

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It's gets to be challenging to focus and take her seriously when she suddenly starts verbalizing a conversation with "Mr. Anxiety" using all the mannerisms of a woman who plays a German soldier in the next Muppet movie.  Or is it Russian?  Now I have to go Google it.

Her name is Nadya and she is a guard at a Russian prison.  Wow, I was way off.

Anyway, I took one of those ridiculous yet highly addicting (and surprisingly accurate) Buzzfeed quizzes about who would play me in the movie version of my life and I was thrilled to cast Mindy Kaling as myself.  She's hilarious, voluptuous, a talented writer and actress, and she has gorgeous hair.  Really, it's the perfect fit except for the fact that she is Indian and I am about as white as the Kleenex on my therapist's desk.

But apart from that I would say Buzzfeed nailed it.

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It was only after doing the logical thing (sharing my results on Facebook and announcing the national casting call to find the actor to play my husband *ahem* justintimberlake *ahem*) that I realized that the quiz only pertained to actresses and I set out to find the male version so I could try to answer the way my husband would and find out whether Mindy would be swapping "that's what she said" jokes with JT or someone a bit more serious and deep like Ryan Reynolds.  Splitting hairs, really. 

Alas, there was no quiz to be found on Buzzfeed regarding the dudes, so I suppose this can only lead us to assume that only Buzzfeed feels only chicks must feel the need to waste time taking pointless quizzes and sharing them only Facebook only to feel more validated and popular with the new and improved version of ourselves since clearly if we were really a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle we would be Raphael and then......oh yes, then we'd get some respect you betcha!

Before I had time to be offended by this, I was well on my way to learning I am Rex in Toy Story and Hermione in Harry Potter courtesy of another genius quiz site - Zimbio.  Pumping my fist in victory, because let's be honest - I knew all along I was Hermione, I embarked on my quest to discover which character in Mean Girls I was most like and was blind-sighted by my result:  Ms. Norbury who is played by none other than Tina freakin' Fey.

No, no, no....nothing about this makes sense at all!  I hate math!  How could I be a math teacher?  And surely, Zimbio, surely I cannot be both Mindy Kaling AND Tina Fey.  Suddenly I found myself trapped in a Pointless Internet Quiz identity crisis.  Who.  Am.  I?

If I'm being truly honest, I could never do as good of a Tina Fey as my therapist and Mindy clearly has the better bosoms, so it turns out that Buzzfeed was right all along.

The screenplay is still in the works, but I am accepting audition videos for roles yet to be cast.  I will be sure to review them in a timely manner as soon as I'm done drawing the name "Flynn Rider" in hearts all over my notebook because he is the Disney prince who is my one true love, despite the fact that's not actually a prince.  Or real.  But it's true love, dammit.  Because Zimbio said so.   

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