Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Deep Breaths.

I'm breathing.

The breeze is blowing through the windows and the patio door while the big kids play outside with the neighbors and Thomas naps in his new big boy bed complete with train bedding.  I'm pretty sure there is a a Styrofoam plane stuck up in a tree in the front yard and the kid from down the street already came inside and had me looking for the tiniest screwdriver I own so I could open up the remote controller for his helicopter so he could change the batteries.  The dog is napping next to me, his belly turned skyward.  A bit of a headache knocks at the back of my eyes, but I'd rather stay put and enjoy this moment than get up to rummage through the medicine box that resides all the way in the master bathroom which would require me to wade through the chaotic clutter in my bedroom. 

Nope.  I'm just going to stay right here for a bit.

And breathe.

Type....and breathe.

It wasn't so long ago that I wrote about feeling suffocated and how the craziness of our schedules didn't allow for much time for writing, reading, or much of anything at all.  All it took was for God to start doing that crazy God-thing he does and I found myself with two new jobs, submitting a new availability sheet at the restaurant that cuts two shifts out of my schedule to allow for more family time and more time built in for writing.

Freelance writing that can be done at home.
Assisting in the administration of a global men's ministry.  

Both jobs that will utilize the gifts God has given me in a way that brings Him glory and allows me more time to breathe.

There is no way for me to find the words to express the depth of my awe at God's provision in this moment.  I've been saying to my husband for months now that somehow I just knew that I wasn't going to wind up in a public school classroom when the time came for me to go back to work.  There was no doubt in my mind that God was leading me to something else.  I could go through all the crazy details of how this whole thing unfolded and how I initially turned down even applying for the assistant job because my schedule wouldn't allow it only to find out that it was still available weeks and weeks later.  I could tell you about how the freelance writing opportunity was literally dropped in my lap with no warning, no application, no interview. 

I called my husband and told him through happy tears that I had just been hired for my very first paid writing position.

He brought me flowers to congratulate me. 

Next comes the challenging task of trying to coordinate my new work schedule with the school schedules of all three boys and finding childcare that I can afford.  As soon as I told my mother-in-law the news of my jobs, she advised me that it wouldn't be long before things wouldn't look as promising.  She told me that I would start to look at the numbers and find that they didn't add up and that the income probably wouldn't account for all the expenses.  It would appear that it wasn't going to work.

Trust God, she said.  Trust that if he brought you to this place, that he will follow through.

I remembered her words as I calculated the cost of childcare and the loss of income that reduced shifts at the restaurant would bring.  The panic started to rise in my throat and the anxiety immediately began to attack me.

Trust God, she said.

I'd be willing to bet that the Israelites were pretty stoked when they got the email that Pharaoh had finally relented and was going to let them leave Egypt.  I'm sure they tweeted all their pals and "liked" the heck out of that Facebook post before packing their suitcases and strapping on their hiking sandals for the journey.  But God led them directly into an impossible situation, trapped between an advancing army and an impenetrable sea.  In all honesty, I would have lost faith at that point too.  So much for good news!  So much for freedom and blessings!  God didn't finish what he promised! 


So wrong.

So my prayer now is that I will continue to trust that God will finish what he started, that he won't abandon me with the way blocked.  A dry path will appear and I just need to be ready to keep walking forward...taking deep breaths with every step.

(The kids have migrated inside and are now engaged in a round of Hide and Seek that I'm sure is going to wake up the baby.  Time to kick 'em out, pop some Aleve to ditch the lingering headache, and blow off dinner prep to take a quick cat nap.)

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