The last ten years have been the hardest of my life. Ok, so the last ten years have been the last third of my life and those years have brought me three babies, so I suppose that isn't all that surprising. But this is supposed to be the "anniversary post." This is supposed to be the day when I write all kinds of mushy and flowery things about the man I married and about the incredible journey we've taken together, how I'd marry him all over again, and how I love him more every day.
But that's not the post I want to write.
I want to write about the struggles we've had and the mornings I've woken up with puffy eyes, the evidence of the tears that kept me awake the night before as I sat with my back turned to him.
I want to write about the hurtful words I have said to him and the wounds they have left behind.
I want to write about how the expectations we both had on the day we got married were completely out of whack and how the reality of marriage ended up to be nothing like either of us imagined.
I want to write about the fights, the slammed doors, the heavy silences.
I want to write about the days when I wondered if he even really loved me or if I actually loved him at all, the days that I asked myself out loud if we had made the biggest mistake of our lives by getting married.
I want to write about the terror I felt on our wedding day and the apprehension that plagued our marriage for years.
I want to write our story.
Our story is not the kind you will find in a paperback novel at the airport and it certainly isn't the story we thought we would be writing. It has been filled with heartache, betrayal, disappointment, addiction and resentment.
But our story is also a story of incredible healing and grace. Ours is a story of redemption and the power God has to rebuild what has been broken and to resurrect what is dead.
Ours is a story of how love isn't enough.
I want to write the story of how a marriage on the edge was rescued by the overwhelming love of a Savior, who is very much still in the business of restoration. Page by page, our tale is being re-written by the Author of creation.
I want to write our story, but I'm just not ready yet to put it all out there. To push the Publish button and have it in black and white for all the world to see. To not be able to pull the curtain back over it ever again. Soon, but not yet.
For now I am going to say how grateful I am for the man who has dug in his heels and refused to yield when things got hard, give praise to the God who did the work of softening our hearts so that healing could even be possible, and write how thankful I am to be given the chance to continue to write this story.
Evan, there are no words I could use to fully express what you mean to me and after the ten years we have experienced together, I can safely say that I am so blessed to be doing this life with you. You have stood by me and believed in me even when I couldn't bring myself to believe it possible. Thank you for your devotion to me and your surrender to your God.
I couldn't ask for a better partner in this life.
Happy tenth anniversary, my love.