Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Wednesdays are Stressful

The weirdest things stress me out sometimes.

  • Four and a half. There are four AND A HALF pairs of shoes in my living room.
  • The price of apples went up so much that I can't buy as many as I usually do since I still need to have enough money left over for all the organic, gluten free crap I insist on eating now.
  • Feelings of guilt that I buy grass-fed butter for my coffee (for the love) but I still buy chicken nuggets for my family because apparently kids expect to eat multiple times every day.
  • The cost of airline flights.
  • Writing. Yeah, writing stresses me out. Because I want it to be good. I am terrified that I will start clicking away at the keys only to push Publish on something mediocre or even downright horrid and suddenly that whole "I'm a writer" line I use will feel like nothing more than a bold-faced lie. 
  • Cupcakes. I had a dream the other night about a chocolate cupcake the size of a four-month old baby. It had pink sprinkles on it and I'm almost certain it was made with gluten. After eating the entire human-sized dream cupcake, I can't stop thinking dirty thoughts about a real one.
  • Coffee shops. Everything with a ton of calories is exactly what I want. When I finally order my stupid dark roast with coconut milk, I'm just pissy about it. Then I sit down and I can never quite pull off being the cool hipster mostly because I don't have a MacBook.
  • Sex. Very stressful.
  • My kid is 100% incapable of remembering to flush the toilet after he uses the bathroom. He also is frequently busted eating his boogers, digging around in his butt crack, and using his pants as a napkin. A couple days ago, I caught him chewing gum. He found out in the yard and God only knows how long it was out there. 
  • Grown women wearing leggings as pants.
  • How much glitter nail polish is too much
  • Sports bras
  • Parking lots
  • People who buy those rotisserie chickens from the deli area at the grocery store. I mean, you do see the fat dripping and coagulating into a glistening puddle while the reflection of the carcass slowly rotates on the surface? 
  • The fat content in almond butter.
  • When my kid's bus arrives home from school, but he doesn't get off. Even though I knew he was probably still sitting there, his face buried in his book and completely oblivious to the world around him, it's still a joy to start making the phone calls to try to track that space cadet down. Stress levels double when you realize that he left a pair of gloves on the bus for the third time this year. He'd better hope spring shows up right quick.
  • The cost of everything. Here are just a few things we have on our list of Things We Would Like to Buy in 2015: office chair, egress window, groceries, thong underwear appropriate for the gym so I won't have to torture people with my VPL on the treadmill, tickets to see Jim Gaffigan, many margaritas, a DVD player to go in the van so we don't have to hear our children talk AT ALL on the 6 hour drive to Michigan, a new pair of SPANX. The list goes on, but you get the idea.
  • Wednesdays. It's the first day of the week that I have to work at both jobs and it's also when we have half price bottles of wine. Wednesdays are stressful.

Happy hump day.

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