Friends, for this one I just started writing.
I didn't worry about if it made sense, if all the back-story was there, if I even used correct grammar and punctuation. I just started to type.
So please forgive me if there are questions left unanswered. Excuse the spelling mistakes. Overlook the short-comings, inconsistencies, and inadequacies. I'm sure there are many and I don't care. Not even a little bit. Not this time.
Let's just join together in a little Good Friday Grace, shall we?
What is it about
that blinking cursor that is just so intimidating? Now that I actually have
purchased that ticket to the conference, I feel like I really need to make
something special out of my blog. What if this whole thing ends up being a
waste of someone else's money? Of course, I never would have actually gone if it meant spending such a big chunk of
our money on something like this but now that it is someone else basically
sponsoring me to go, I feel that much more pressure to make it worth it, to
make it an investment. It's been made very clear to me that God wants me to
devote more of myself to writing. Let's see, what have been the signs recently?
The comment from LauraP that my humor has brought her closer to God because she
realized that people who love Jesus can also be funny, the encouragement I get
from readers like Karen and Nicole and so many others when I post something,
the visit from JBU and the excitement about writing something for them, the list goes on and on. I've been searching for margin, for a way to really make this
into something special and now God has basically dropped this opportunity on my
lap.
But how do I do it
WELL?
I'm still so afraid
of failure. If I'm being really honest, I suppose I consider mediocrity to be
failure. In all things. The writing piece I wrote for work was good, really good. Got
great feedback and was told it was going to be published. Found out later that the
project was scrapped, not because the writing wasn't good, but just because it
wasn't the direction they wanted to go in as far as a new project. It
devastated me. Why? Because I wanted to see my name in print? Or because I felt
like I had failed? Both? Never even mind the yucky feeling in my belly when I acknowledged how selfishly I wanted that book to be published.
Every area of my
life is affected by this - how I mother, how I wait tables, how I clean (or
don't clean) my house, how I write. I need to feel like I am succeeding. Even
in my marriage, I feel like ordinary and normal is code for underwhelming and
mediocre. I know that the desire for something extraordinary is deeply rooted, a good thing by design.
But I still feel so defeated when I fall short.
It would seem that I have only applied Grace to my
salvation status and completely forgotten about how profoundly it transforms my
earthly breaths.
I don't want to
smile in the photo because I'm only in the second week of using that new teeth
whitening toothpaste and you're darn tootin' I'll be using a photo editing app
to whiten those suckers before it goes on Instagram.
When I make a
mistake at work, I immediately start wondering if I should just quit and save everyone a lot of trouble.
My idea didn't get
picked, so I many as well just start doing as I'm told rather than imagining
new directions.
The cursor keeps
blinking in my face and the voice of the Enemy is there, sending pulses of
poison into my mind with every blink - You've
got nothing. You've been fooling yourself. There are real writers out there -
you're nothing but a knock-off. Stop wasting everyone's time, money and attention.
There is no such
thing as "good enough." I am never EVER going to feel like I am good
enough because I continue to burn out trying to impress a holy God who is not
impressed by anything short of perfection.
I saw a quote on Twitter today from Dr. Tony Evans - "The reason he had to die is because even on our best
day we are not acceptable to a holy God." That's really it, isn't
it? Even if we were operating on all
cylinders, blasting out home-runs every single time we so much as stepped up to
the plate, it still wouldn't even be a blip on the righteousness radar to the
One who arranged the stars on his canvas and spoke the earth into existence.
That battle that we constantly fight against those feelings of worthlessness
and inadequacy stems directly from our desire for intimacy with our holy
Father.
He made us this way so we would be drawn to relentlessly pursue Him.
But when holiness feels
too far away, we run from Him.
We hide among the
trees of the garden, using their shadows as refuge and hoping they will obscure
our failure from His view. We wait there, afraid of being found out.
He had to die
because even on our best day we are not acceptable to a holy God.
We need His grace.
His overwhelming, all-encompassing, never stopping, never quitting, always
faithful, unconditional, love you right where you are, as you are, forever and
ever GRACE.
We will fail. Over
and over, every day.
And every day, over
and over, he finds us hiding in the shadows, takes that fear and failure gently
from us and carries it with Him to the cross.
Me.
With all my anxiety,
doubts, shame, fear, selfishness, and pride.
Holy. Accepted.
Redeemed. Loved.
You.
Let's dare to step
out of the shadows and walk in sound assurance of His grace.
For by grace you have been saved through faith. And
this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so
that no one may boast.
-Ephesians 2:8-9 (ESV)
