Letter to Me

Dear Sarah in October 2007,

Hey honey, how are you doing?  I know it's a little on the strange side to be reading a letter from - well - yourself, but I think if you'll just hear me out you will realize that there are some important lessons to be learned here.  As you're reading this letter, you are just weeks away from giving birth to your first child, an incredible and darling little boy.  Are you scared?  Of course you are.  And that excruciating pain you're feeling in your hips and in your vajayjay?  It will go away soon, I swear. 

There are a few things that I want you to know, however.

Return the Diaper Genie and use the money to stock up on TUCKS and Preparation H.  You'll thank me later.

You will not always be this fat.  Right now, you feel like you are literally the size of a barn and photos taken of you are not going to do much to change that opinion.  Trust me when I tell you that you will look somewhat normal again soon, but it's going to take way more work that you realize.  Just don't let that stop you from enjoying your new baby and, for the love of cookie dough, getting in the photos with him!  You are going to look back on this time and cringe at how puffy you look, but that's not what really matters.  What's important is that you document the memories you have with that sweet boy as he completely changes your world.

The hemorrhoids will go away, I promise.  Just hang in there.

Unfortunately, the stretch marks will not.  Sorry about that.  Stop spending the money on the cocoa butter because it won't do jack diddly.

Sweetie, there are so many things about being a Mommy that are not written about in What to Expect When You're Expecting.  If I spewed all of them out at you right now, you might hop right in the car and speed to the nearest adoption agency, so I'll just ease you into a few things you're going to want to know. 

First, newborn poop comes shooting out of there like a fully-pumped Super Soaker.  If you take that diaper off, be ready to slap another diaper on pronto in the style of Indiana Jones putting the bag of sand in place of the golden idol.  If you don't execute this maneuver properly, there's going to be just as much running for the hills and way more screaming. 

Second, the birthing experience is going to SUCK.  All those stories you've heard about these beautiful births where the mother pushes for ten minutes and out pops a perfectly formed newborn child....yup, not for you.  Prepare yourself for a grueling, difficult, exhausting birth that is going to subject you to a level of exposure you never thought possible.  Keep a sense of humor about it and you'll make it.  At the end of all that work, you do end up with a pretty amazing final product, but don't freak out at the shape of his head.  You'd look like an alien too if you had a vacuum stuck to your skull like that.

Third, for what will probably be the first time in your life since you were a toddler, pooping is going to be the scariest thing on the planet.  Eat stool softeners like candy and you'll get through it.  Nothing is going to rip you to pieces any worse than that 7 pound, 11 ounce baby did so just get 'er done.

Finally, you should know that you will FREAK OUT when you bring that baby home.  All that help you had at the hospital?  Gone.  Every ounce of knowledge you tried to soak up from reading books and chatting for hours on BabyCenter.com?  Worthless.  There is no instruction manual for that little buggar and you're going to find yourself bawling your eyes out as you rock back and forth in a corner, convinced you just made the biggest mistake of your life.  When that happens, here's what you need to do.  BREATHE.  PRAY.  CALL GINA.  Snapping like a twig and losing your mind does not make you a bad mom; it makes you normal.  What matters is that you handle it in a healthy way.  Hand the baby off whenever you can and do your best to get some alone time with a big glass of wine and a good book.

Down the road you will learn things like the fact that after you have a baby, an alarm gets secretly installed on your toilet seat so they know when you sit down.  Get used to having company in there!  If you lock the door, be prepared to hear the sounds of catastrophe as soon as your butt hits the seat.  You will discover that sleep is one of the most precious things in the world and coffee is a blessing from God. 

More than anything else, you will fall in love with that baby....and his brothers later on.  You were born to do this, sweet girl.  God has chosen these children specifically for you and Evan and you are going to be AWESOME.  Enjoy the next few weeks and try to relax. 

I'll see you in a few years.  And good news.....we're totally skinny now.  :)

Maternity Photo Book

Last week when I was shopping at Target, I had a coupon print out at the register for a free 8x8 photo book from Shutterfly!  Yay!!  I figured that was the perfect opportunity to create a photo book with the wonderful maternity photos that Jenn shot for me last month.  If this does in fact end up to be my last pregnancy, this book will make a wonderful keepsake.

You can view my photo book below.  I hope you enjoy it!

Click here to view this photo book larger

Our Baby Boy - Thomas Evan

Allow me to introduce you to the newest member of our family, Thomas Evan.

He arrived today at 2:59 pm and is my biggest newborn to date, weighing in at 7 pounds, 15 ounces.  He is 21.5 inches long and is doing great!

Despite the fatigue that is finally starting to hit me, I want to share his birth story.  We arrived at the hospital this morning to have my water broken, which happened at around 8:00 am.  I was 4 cm dilated and about 60% effaced when we started.  Contractions began soon after, but didn't really progress as I would have liked, so Evan and I took a walk around the block at around 10:30 or so.  After a good walk, I returned to my room and the contractions really amped up quickly and I was asking for the epidural pretty quickly.  I was still at 4 cm right before they gave me the epidural, but I had made it to about 80% effaced and the baby's head had descended even more.  I got the epidural just before noon and by 1:00 I was nearly 9 cm dilated!  By 1:50, it was time to push!

I started pushing at 1:53 and that boy just kept getting stuck!  His head got jammed behind my pelvic bone and we were really struggling to get him to move.  I gave it all I had, but nausea and fatigue started to affect me after a while.  At least we were still able to crack jokes in between contractions!  Finally at around 2:45 or so, I brought up the idea of using a vacuum to help him get out.  Thankfully, he only needed that help for about 30 seconds (1 or 2 pushes) and the head came out.  I had to hold things up for a moment or two (which is easier said than done!) because poor Thomas had the cord wrapped around his neck TWICE!  My doc got the cord cut quickly and my baby boy was out!

We were a little concerned about him at first because he wasn't crying the "lusty cries" like they prefer to hear and was doing a lot of grunting instead.  Considering the issues with the cord, they were concerned he had mucus or something else obstructing his airway.  He was taken to the nursery and given some oxygen and got his back beat on a bit until he started breathing and hollering a bit better.

So far, I can report that he is a lusty nurser, appears to like being swaddled good and tight, and is super-cute.  I think I'll keep him.

Once I'm a bit more rested, I'll share a few more details on what's going on with me.  Let's just say it hasn't exactly been an uneventful postpartum stay so far.  Regardless, I'm just happy Thomas is here and healthy!

Deja Vu

Have you noticed on Facebook the new little feature on the corner that tells you what your status was in a different year?  I had to laugh today because my status on August 30, 2009 was "Officially on maternity leave.  Now just waiting on baby to arrive!"  I guess I'm on some kind of two year procreation rotation.

Anyway, here's the update on this whole birthing fiasco.  If you read my post from September 9th, 2009 you'll basically get about 75% of the story for this baby!  I suffered through two rounds of false labor over the weekend that left me frustrated and annoyed.  I went in to see my doctor this morning and I was still sitting at 3 cm dilated, but the baby's head is very engaged (which must be why I've felt like he's been trying to dig his way out of there).  She stripped my membranes and made arrangements for me to come in to Labor & Delivery tomorrow morning at 7:30 to break my water!

So, unless I go into labor on my own this evening, I can plan on meeting my baby tomorrow! 

I'll keep you posted as things develop, but the good news is that it looks like I just might get my August baby after all! 

Just for fun, enjoy this little video I took at Culver's after my appointment today.  Hard to say, but I think my boys were enjoying themselves.  :)




This one is kind of fun too.  As it turns out, Micah has a bit of the flair for the dramatic as well.  Check out how much he really throws himself into his death scenes.  This theater nerd is so proud!!

Checking In

False labor is arguably one of the most annoying things on the planet!  I had contractions off and on all afternoon on Friday and by supper-time, they were really uncomfortable.  I went for a walk and got them really ramped up to the point of painful and then settled down on the couch for a while to see if they would keep up.  I started timing my contractions and they varied between 2 and 8 minutes apart for a good couple of hours, so I called my mother to have her make the drive over to our house so she could stay with the kids. 

Wouldn't you know it....the dang things quit about 20 minutes before she pulled in the driveway.  Rats.  She spent the night in case I went into labor in the wee hours, but nothing happened.  So, I guess the good news is that I got to have a nice impromptu visit with my mother, but the bad news is that she had to drive two hours, but didn't get to meet her new grandson! 

Nothing really has happened ever since.  I'm trying to avoid the temptation to toss a couple of tablespoons of castor oil into a smoothie.

11 Days and Counting

Sorry to disappoint, but I literally have nothing to report.  How lame is it that I have to write a blog post just to update you on the fact that nothing is happening?  Ugh.

Anyway, I'm at 38 weeks & 3 days preggers, otherwise known as 11 days from my due date.  At my OB appointment on Wednesday, she said I was dilated to 3 cm, "softening," and the baby's head was good and low.  All good things that point to impending labor, but alas.  No contractions or any other pre-labor signs for me to speak of since.

All in all, I just feel very......well.....pregnant.  Lots of pressure, weight, discomfort, and sporadic contractions.  Nothing decisive. 

Still holding out hope for an August baby here, folks.  One thing working in my favor is Murphy's Law.  You know, the old saying "Anything that can go wrong will go wrong?"  As it turns out, my doctor is going to be out of town on Saturday and Sunday so the way I figure it, that means that I will definitely be having this baby on one of those two days.  Right?

And because every blog post needs a photo, here's a fun little nugget for you.  Check out what Micah looked like at this time last year:

Ah yes.  Barely even an inkling of the troublesome little stinker he was about to grow into.  Now, if you'll excuse me.  It's only been an hour and 15 minutes since I put Micah down for a nap and I need to go back in there for the 12th time and return him to bed.  Good times.

Status Report

Last night, I tweeted this little gem: 

The bedtime battle rages on. I think childbirth will be a nice break from this torture.

So, it is safe to say that we are most definitely not out of the woods with Micah's sleep habits as of yet.  It took over an hour last night to get that boy to sleep and probably at least 20 times returning him to his bed.  And all that was after it took me an hour and 15 minutes doing the same song and dance at naptime!  Honestly, Micah's sleep struggles have Evan and I completely strung out.  We're following the "expert" advice and not engaging with him when we put him back to bed over and over and over and over, but it's been WEEKS now!  It's not supposed to take this long for the child to adjust, is it?  And then there's the overnight hours where I'm hefting my extremely pregnant self out of bed several times a night just to tuck Micah's blanket back over him give him his nuk if he's dropped it.  If I don't go in there, he ramps up his whining to screaming and then will get out of bed, starting the whole nightmare over again. I'm seriously starting to consider writing a letter to Supernanny.
 

We're trying so hard to do the right thing here, but the patience is starting to wear thin at the worst possible time since we'll be bringing home a newborn any day now! 

 

Newborn Micah John coming home in 2009

(He slept just fine at this point!)



Speaking of that newborn, we're just playing the waiting game right now.  I'm at 38 weeks, one day right now.  (FYI, Isaiah was born at 38-2!)  I have an appointment with my doctor tonight to check things out, but I really haven't had any contractions or anything else going on as of late to lead me to suspect anything is going to happen in the immediate future.  I'm still thinking it will be at least the weekend or next week before this show gets on the road.  And I'm still pulling for an August birthday buddy! 
 
I'll keep ya posted!
 
And let me know if you have any sage wisdom when it comes to Micah's sleep troubles.  Until I get this kid's sleep under control, he'll continue to occupy the room that needs to be the baby's.  We'll be in a bit of an inconvenient spot until then!

Nesting

Source: cutestuffbyjo.juliemayree.com via Sarah on Pinterest

(Photo is obviously NOT of my baby, but I thought it went along nicely with the post!)

Call it "nesting" if you will, but I'm leaning more toward the concept of "finally getting my act together to get ready for this baby to show up!"  A couple days ago, I hefted a couple Rubbermaid totes full of baby clothes up from the basement and filled Micah's top dresser drawer with newborn onesies, pants, and sleepers.  It was somewhat scary to be looking at such teeny tiny clothes again!  It's kind of funny to see how many of those items are permanently stained from crazy projectile newborn poo.....so not looking forward to dealing with that mess. 

Once I actually had some clothes to put Baby in, I dug out the old baby carseat so that I could actually get the little buggar home from the hospital.  I installed the newborn insert, adjusted the straps, wiped down the inside, and busted out the base.  Evan was kind enough to take it to the van this morning for me, so it's all set to get installed once we need it!

Clothes - check.  Carseat - check.  Diapers - check.  Thankfully, I've been stocking up on diapers for months now whenever I've come across a good price.  I have the top shelf of Micah's closet stuffed with diapers ranging from size Newborn all the way up to 4!  Should be enough to at least get me started.  I do still need more wipes though.  Add that to the Target list!

The goal for this weekend is to make some more steps toward being ready to take care of the new bambino.  I'm planning to hit Target on Saturday to pick up the sleeper I wrote about in the baby stuff post:

Source: target.com via Sarah on Pinterest

I'm also going to go ahead and order the bag for the breast pump since I have no way of knowing how long that will take to actually ship to me.  Probably should have done that a couple weeks ago, actually!!

Source: lansinohstore.com via Sarah on Pinterest

I'll probably also pull the "Buy It" trigger on the goofy looking bathtub:

Source: amazon.com via Sarah on Pinterest

I also need to dig out my box of baby bottles to see if I need to replace any, double check to make sure I have plenty of breast milk bags, Tucks pads, and all the other not-so-glamorous things that become necessities after a baby is born. 

Whew!  I have my work cut out for me!  About two-ish weeks to go!

TMI Alert

Warning:  This post will contain references to bodily functions and other such not-so-pleasant things.  Just keepin' it real.

If you follow me on Twitter or are friends with me on Facebook, you already know that despite the fact I was spoiled with a three-hour visit to the spa yesterday (seriously, check out my cute little toes!!!), I was awake in the middle of the night yet again last night, feeling rotten.

Today, I feel miserable.

I have no idea if it's related to pregnancy, prepping for labor, or if I'm just plain sick, but I feel awful.  I'm on Day 3 of having nasty diarrhea.  I tossed and turned most of the night, fighting off what I could only figure to be another bout of bathroom fun of one sort or another or perhaps the onset of labor.  At about 2:38 am (give or take), I retreated to the couch so Evan wouldn't have to deal with my grunts of discomfort and my annoyance with my insomnia.

I have no appetite whatsoever.  All I've eaten so far today is a bowl of cereal and a fruit smoothie.  I'm exhausted due to lack of sleep over the last few nights, I'm nauseous, and I just feel rotten. 

Honestly, I didn't mean for this to be a whiny pity party blog post.  I'm just frustrated by feeling icky. 

In other news, we've decided to drop the price on our house for the first time and we've got some new strategies in the works for marketing it.  Hopefully when all is said and done, we'll be the bargain of the neighborhood and this house will be SOLD!!  (Website might take a bit yet to reflect the price drop, but it will be $163,900)

I brought the baby carseat up from the basement today.  Every time the boys walk by it, they point at it and say, "Awww....baby!  Cute!"  I love it.  It makes me smile every time I pass it on the way to the bathroom.  Gross, huh?  That's my day though!  We're having a movies on the couch day....with lots of bathroom breaks.  Might even try to sneak a nap in there. 

Let's end on a positive note, shall we?  Check out my new haircut!

I'm so happy to have it up off my neck FINALLY!!  It's always scary to let someone new cut your hair, but I think the stylist did a pretty good job.  I'll definitely go back to her....if we still live here by the time I can get my hair cut again, that is!

Mama's Gonna Snap!

My buddy Jenn, new mama and photographer extraordinaire, is doing me a major solid and is going to take some maternity photos for me!  Even though I feel about about big as a hippo and equally as attractive, I didn't want to miss out on the opportunity to document what is likely to be my last pregnancy.  In addition, I'm hoping to get the boys involved in this little shoot so I can have some sweet photos of the big brothers getting ready to welcome their third musketeer. 

I did get some maternity photos done when I was pregnant with Isaiah, but I'm hoping to go in a bit of a different direction this time around.  We're shooting the pictures at the Arboretum in Madison, which is a fabulous, natural location with lots of gorgeous grass, flowers, pillars and stone, and even old buildings to use as backdrops.  I'm kind of hoping we land a few shots like this:

Source: gemmphoto.blogspot.com via Sarah on Pinterest

or this:

Source: inspiremebaby.com via Sarah on Pinterest

or this:

Source: inspiremebaby.com via Sarah on Pinterest

and I'm planning on wearing a black dress:

Source: brendalandrum.net via Sarah on Pinterest

But this one makes me wish I was wearing an orange tank top and flowy white skirt:

Source: inspiremebaby.com via Sarah on Pinterest

I love the crop on this because it wouldn't show my chins:

Source: dustinizatt.com via Sarah on Pinterest

I love how this one includes the older sibling:

Source: ontobaby.com via Sarah on Pinterest

Another cute one:

Source: weddingsbyheather.com via Sarah on Pinterest

So, in general....this kind of gives you an idea of the feel I'm going for.  Casual, natural, fun.  Can't wait to share the photos with you!

And of course, be sure to check out Jenn's website at http://www.jennvanwyk.com/ to check out her work!

Baby Pool! Make Your Guess!

As I come ever closer to that magic 36 week day that marks the "point of no return," I'm starting to get more and more excited about meeting our third son. 

So, step right up folks!  When do you think Baby #3 will make his grand entrance?  How big will he be?  And of course....what is the super-secret name we've been keeping under lock & key?  Click on the link below to play!

Enter the Kooiman Baby Pool to join in the fun!

Bragging rights are on the line here, folks.  Good luck!

Can the Baby Sleep in the Bottom Drawer?

As soon as the calender said I was 36 weeks pregnant with Isaiah, I had that suitcase packed and ready to go by the door to our apartment.  Heck, I even took photos of its contents so I could make a scrapbook page. 

I ended up not even needing to have it ready to go in the dead of night since I was induced 12 days before my due date and was able to plan ahead a bit for Isaiah's arrival.  With Micah, I was a bit more relaxed and I'm pretty sure I didn't even pre-pack very much at all.  I knew what essentials I would need and tried to make sure most of it was rounded up, but there was no suitcase waiting by the door.

In fact, I thought I was going into labor the night of September 9th.  I woke up from pains around 11:30 or so and they continued, getting stronger and more frequent.  I even showered around 12:30 or so in anticipation of having to go to the hospital!  Of course, things went away around 2:00 am so I went back to bed.  I did pack my bag when I woke up though!  Good thing too because Micah was born that evening of the 10th at 11:54 pm!

Even though I was a bit more relaxed about the whole packing thing the second time around, I did still have a dresser stocked and ready to go with onesies, pants, and sleepers.  I had a changing table stuffed to the gills with diapers, wipes, and burp cloths.  The crib was assembled and bedding ready to go. 

I feel like we're still in a state of limbo for this baby.  Micah is still getting accustomed to sleeping in his big boy bed and so is still sleeping in his bedroom.  He's using the dresser and the changing table.  I have been stocking up on diapers for the baby when I find a good sale, but that's really about it.  If the poor boy were to be born tomorrow, I wouldn't have a place to put his clothes, change his diaper, or put him down to sleep.  I know we'll figure it out as we get closer, but I really don't like approaching that 36 week "point of no return" without feeling like we're slightly more prepared.  It's very unsettling!

Wishes for Baby

A while back, I made a poll on Facebook asking whether it was ok to make a baby registry for Baby #3, even if there wouldn't be a baby shower involved.  The results were pretty divided, with many saying to go for it, but most being of the mind that a registry for the third baby is a bit in poor taste.  Instead of a registry, I figured I would just start a wish list here on the blog so that if someone in my world is looking for any ideas for Baby, at least there is a list to consult somewhere.  That sounds reasonable, right?  As a shortcut, just follow me on Pinterest to see a bunch of this stuff and more on my boards!

Baby #3's Wishlist

Fisher Price Newborn Rock 'n Play Sleeper - I really like the idea of this little wonder and it's getting rave reviews!  Considering that this little guy won't have a room of his own right away when he joins our family, I love the idea of having this small, portable little bed for him to sleep in wherever we stick him.  Plus, we already know we'll be taking a weekend trip out of state when he's only a couple weeks old and this seems much easier to travel with than a huge Pack 'n Play.  (Available at Target, Amazon, Walmart)

Breast Pump Carry Bag - Ok, I guess this is technically for me.  I bought a new breast pump for this baby, but it didn't come with a bag or a cooler or anything.  This accessory kit would be very handy for toting my pump around with me places. 

Prince Lionheart WashPOD - This thing looks goofy.  I fully acknowledge that.  However, we are currently without a baby bathtub because I donated our old one (it drove me nuts) and I've heard nothing but wonderful things about this silly looking tub.  A friend of mine has sworn by it for her baby girls.  I love that it takes up much less room in my bathroom closet!  :)

Woombie - My friend Marissa's little baby Lily just loves her Woombie!  I have yet to find a swaddling blanket thingy that I like, but I'd like to give this a shot.  It just looks so snug and comfy!  Who knows if this kid will be a swaddler (Isaiah was NOT, Micah was), but it looks to be worth a try.

Ergo Baby Carrier - I have a Moby Wrap that I used off and on with my older boys and I liked it.  The biggest issue I had with the Moby is that it really took some practice to figure out how to wear it comfortably and many times I had to re-wrap myself several times before I had it "just right."  I know that when I'm trying to get my butt into Target with two big boys and then have to stand there for 10 minutes just to adjust my Moby so it's just right for carrying the baby.....well, that seems more problematic than helpful.  I've heard really great things about this carrier, the Ergo.  It seems to be easy to use and very versatile.  Baby can be worn in front easily and also on the back for hiking (or visits to the zoo or something since I really don't hike).  I tried to use my Moby with Micah on my back when we visited the zoo and it was a horrific comedy of errors.  The Ergo can carry Baby up to a weight of 45 pounds!  (Sold on Amazon, www.ergobabycarriers.com, or locally at REI stores or Oompa in Middleton.)  **Babies under 4 months need the Infant Insert!**

The essentials - Wipes, wipes, wipes!  Diapers, diapers, diapers!  Gift cards!!

Hope this helps!  If there are any great ideas you have for baby products that you just can't live without, feel free to shout 'em out. 

Belly Photos

Oh yes....this is definitely my third child.  I was so good about taking photos for my first two pregnancies, but I have completely blown it off this time around.  Bad Mommy.

Here is my last belly photo.  I was 14 weeks along.

In retrospect, I'm looking at this photo and thinking, "Dang!  I still actually looked kind of thin!  I only have one chin and everything!"

Alas, much has changed. 

Here I am at 32 weeks:

Gulp.

The first thing I think is that I understand now why my doctor always says, "My only concern is your weight gain" at every single dang appointment.  I've ballooned something fierce.  I'm definitely going to have my work cut out for me after I have this baby.  Back to my tried and true food rules that helped me dropped the weight to begin with, back to more water, back to actually trying to get my butt moving.

The second thing I notice is that I look tired.  And stressed.  You know what?  I am tired.  And stressed.  A lot has landed on our plates since that first photo was taken and I'm rolling with the the best I can.  Too bad it really shows in the circles under my eyes.

And I need a haircut.  Badly.

I'm a train wreck.

Parasites and Milk Bags

First and foremost, I want to say a huge thank you to everyone who wrote me such kind words after my ultrasound post on Monday.  I got emails, Facebook messages, comments on the blog, and text messages from people who really lifted me up.  Many understood what I was going through and were able to relate to my emotions, but most just were there to say that it's ok to feel sad and to encourage me that being the mother of sons is a big job that God has called me to do.  These three boys, these particular boys, were chosen specifically for me to raise up into men He can be proud of.  Wow.  Now that's some strong stuff.  So thank you everyone.  And if you were one of the parents who offered up their daughters for me to "borrow," expect a phone call.  Not kidding.  :)

Because of this whole experience, I ended up having some really cool conversations with other mothers this week about pregnancy and parenting and I found it absolutely amazing to hear about how we all can view it so differently.  Here are the basics of one of these conversations.  I was laughing so hard at how different we were! 

Mother #1 (hint: it's me):  Pregnancy is awesome!  Sure, you end up resembling a small whale and rolling over in bed becomes a seven step process.  Yes, heartburn sucks and it's certainly true that eventually it does feel like your hips are literally being split apart with a dull axe.  But it's amazing!  For those 9 months, I feel like I am doing something incredible.  There is new life blossoming right before my eyes and I'm the only one who can experience its secrets.  I never feel more valuable than when I am pregnant.  After I give birth, I'm just another woman with kids.  Being pregnant is something special. 

Mother #2:  I hate being pregnant.  It's like having a parasite, a huge parasite, inside you 24/7.  You have no privacy, you're never alone, and all it does is feed off you and make you feel miserable.  For that 9 months, all I felt like was a host or an incubator to this thing.  I couldn't wait to get it out of me so I could finally be by myself again!  But.....breastfeeding is incredible.  Once that baby arrives, it's a bonding experience that only I can share with him.  It's just so amazing that I can give this little person exactly what he needs and that connection is unique to us and nobody else can replace it.  It breaks my heart when I have to stop nursing!

Mother #1 (me again):  Breastfeeding is torture.  It hurts, it's exhausting, it's frustrating, it's annoying, it's messy, and it hurts.  Latching on hurts.  Mastitis really hurts.  When I'm nursing, I feel like nothing more than a milk machine for the little buggar!  I don't feel like I need to whip my boob out just to bond with my baby.  I can connect with them just as well with a bottle and a good snuggle.  I hate waking up soaking wet because my milk bags have a mind of their own.  I breastfeed for as long as I can stand it because I know it's best for the baby and I don't feel bad when I quit.  I pump for as long as my supply will hold out and then transition my kids to formula.  It's just not for me! 

So, which mother do you tend to associate your feelings with?  #1 or #2?

Tears for my Daughter, Smiles for my Son

It's taken me a few days to get around to writing this because I've needed that time to get my head around what has happened.  In addition to the days of emotional turbulence, I've also had to work through the three performances of the play I directed, so things have been a little crazy.  Thanks for being patient with me.

So, I had my big 20 week ultrasound on Friday.  As you may recall, we weren't sure at first whether or not we were going to find out the gender of this baby or wait to be surprised.  In the end, we decided to go ahead and find out.  We made this decision mostly because I know how crazy my emotions can be in the postpartum state and I didn't want to have to adjust to whatever kind of baby came out in that already stressful time.  I wanted 20 weeks to be able to prepare myself and "gird my loins," so to speak.

Allow me to introduce you to my third child:

Look at that sweet face, all nestled in and snug as a bug in a rug.  Amazing, huh? 

Of course, what we were most interested in (and what you're waiting for me to reveal) is the gender.  This baby left no doubt; we are having BOY #3.

I want you to know that I smiled and kept my cool the whole time the doctor finished up the ultrasound.  As soon as he left the room, I burst into hysterical tears.  I sobbed, my body shaking in convulsions.  At the time, I couldn't really explain why I was so upset.  I calmed myself down enough to walk through the waiting room, but I started up again as soon as I got in the car.  Evan and I drove to the restaurant where I work to have lunch together and I had tears streaming down my face the whole time.  Even after I got home after lunch, I couldn't stop the tears.  My eyes burned with their sting.  I went to opening night of my play and managed to hold it together, but started crying again as soon as I got home.

Now, I know that someday my third son might read this and think that his mother was simply devastated at the news he was a boy.  He'll think I was so disappointed that I couldn't stop crying for an entire day.  My darling boy, I want you to know right now that those tears I shed on that day were not because you were not what I wanted.  You are precious to me and I am so excited that you are a boy.  You complete the "Three Musketeers" that we've started with your older brothers.  You are perfect.

Those tears I couldn't control were not for you, son.  They were for the sister that you will never have.  In an instant, all my hopes of having a daughter were gone.  Never will I shop for Easter dresses, throw a princess party, or attend her ballet recital.  I will never get to help her pick out a prom dress (and fight with her over how much it costs), go wedding dress shopping, and watch her walk down the aisle.  I will never get to be my baby girl's biggest cheerleader when she becomes a mama of her own.  My tears flowed freely for the daughter I will never have.  I miss her without ever even having her.

Now I have had a few days to adjust, reflect, and understand what is going to happen.  I'm going to send the small pile of pink clothes I bought to a girlfriend who is expecting her first child (a baby girl) any day now and I am going to get ready to welcome my third boy into this world.  His brothers are over-the-moon excited and so am I.  From here on out, it's nothing but smiles for my son. 

Bump

Check it out!  It looks like there might be a baby in there! (Now all I need are some pants that fit.)

14 weeks



The Shopping Itch

It never fails that as soon as my waistline starts to pop out and my zippers and buttons on my pants are rendered useless, I start to get the itch to shop for maternity clothes.  In fact, I actually busted out my bin of maternity wear the other day started going through it to see if there was anything I could feasibly wear in the near future.  Unfortunately, those of you who have been paying attention know that I dropped a good chuck of weight since the last time I had to don those clothes.  (For a visual reminder, click here.)  I was literally swimming in the maternity pants and tops in that pile.  I found a couple of shirts that will work, but not for several weeks and fuhgetabahtit when it comes to pants.  I was around a size 16 or so when I got pregnant with Micah.  I was just about to break into a size 10 when I got knocked up this time.  Big difference!  I'm not exaggerating when I say that I have very little to wear this pregnancy and I'm starting to run out of time since I am down to only one pair of jeans that I can wear to work and even zipping them is becoming a difficult task.

Hence the itch to shop.  I started poking around on the Old Navy website, my go-to source for maternity clothes in the past.  Have any of you ever ordered maternity clothes from Old Navy?  They have some pretty cute stuff at good prices, but they tend to run a bit big (in my experience) and the quality can sometimes be on the low end.  But heck, you're only wearing the stuff for a couple months, right?

To satisfy my urge to shop without actually spending any money, I whipped up a little mood board of sorts on Polyvore to show you all a couple outfits I really liked from Old Navy Maternity.  Everything on the board is from Old Navy except for the super cute blue earrings.  I just couldn't resist slapping those gorgeous gals on there.

Simple Maternity by kooimsa on Polyvore.com

Old navy maternity
$17 - oldnavy.gap.com

Old navy maternity
$9.50 - oldnavy.gap.com

Old navy maternity
$14 - oldnavy.gap.com

Old navy maternity
$10 - oldnavy.gap.com

Old navy maternity
$28 - oldnavy.gap.com

Old navy maternity
$20 - oldnavy.gap.com

Old navy maternity
$35 - oldnavy.gap.com

Old Navy wedge sandal
$30 - oldnavy.gap.com

Old Navy ballerina flat
$20 - oldnavy.gap.com

Old Navy black shoes
$3.50 - oldnavy.gap.com

Old Navy printed tote bag
$20 - oldnavy.gap.com

Hoop earring
$125 - alexisbittar.com

Fun, huh?  I blame The Pioneer Woman for introducing me to that cursed site.  It's addicting, I tell you!  Anyway, finally on to the point of this post.  What are your go-to choices for maternity clothes?  Do you have a favorite store, brand, or item?  How can we go about putting together a maternity wardrobe that keeps us looking cute and feeling comfy on a budget? 

Dying to hear your feedback!  (And if you want to go play around on the Polyvore website and put together your own "collection", don't say I didn't warn you.  Ashley, I'm looking at you.)

Real Quick before Castle is On....

We've had a real rough week or so in this house and I'm truly hoping things turn around in the next couple days.  Evan's grandfather died last week, so we had to drive separately back to our hometown on Saturday.  While I was at work, Evan drove up to be a pallbearer in the funeral.  When I was finished with my shift, I drove our other car to attend a baby shower for a good friend of mine before meeting up with Evan and his family after the burial.  After I left the baby shower, the snow started coming down pretty badly and things got nasty pretty quick.  I swear, I started braking in what I thought was plenty of time before the stop sign, but it was like my brakes never even engaged and I just kept sliding....right into the side of a black F-150. 

I was fine, as was the other driver.  I felt terrible having to call Evan to come right from burying his grandpa to rescue his wife from her car accident. 

On a more positive note, I had my ultrasound today and I got to see my baby for the first time!  S/he is very active, has a strong beating heart, and is developing well.  The size of the baby indicates that I am just shy of 13 weeks along so my estimated due date is now September 6th. 

We're all still sick.  Micah's nose is streaming snot and he isn't sleeping, Isaiah has an on and off fever and diarrhea, and I'm still coughing and feeling pretty run down in general. 

Time for a new episode of Castle.  Say a little prayer for me that we get a good couple nights of sleep and a surge of healthy vibes.  We could really use it!

Baby News

Well, I finally had my first OB visit on Tuesday so I can actually give you an official baby update!  Unfortunately, I have little to report.  My blood pressure is fine, my weight is.....what it is.  The good news is that since my first appointment was a little late in the game, I've kind of skewed my starting number a bit so in the end my official number of pounds gained will be less!  Right??  Bueller?

Ok, back to the baby.  My doc estimates that I'm somewhere around 12-14 weeks.  Usually, I'm really good about being able to tell her the exact date of my LMP and so due dates have always been pretty straightforward.  This time, the Mirena removal and following....ummm....side effects have made it difficult to nail down exactly how far along I am.  Long story short, I'm having an ultrasound next week to get a more accurate idea of a due date.

We managed to hear the baby's heartbeat for all of about two seconds.  The little buggar was wiggling around so much in there that my doc couldn't find it again.  But, it was there and sounded strong, so she has no concerns as of this moment. 

I'm looking forward to the ultrasound next week to get a sneak peek at the baby, but I'm really hoping I can convince my ultrasound tech/operator/doctor/whatever that that awful transvaginal ultrasound is really unnecessary.  My doctor blushed a bit and chuckled when I referred to it as "The Dreaded Dildo Cam."

I thought it was funny.

And because every blog post needs a photo, let's pretend this is Micah's impression of me about to submit to the afore mentioned ultrasound of terror: